The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod & Your staff, they comfort me. Ps. 23:1-4

"There will be peace in the valley for me, some day.  There will be peace in the valley for me, oh Lord I pray There'll be no sadness, no sorrow No trouble, trouble I see There will be peace in the valley for me". Elvis Presley.

From Matthew:  For almost 4 weeks now, we have lived in Elvis Presley's Memphis, the Home of the Blues. There have been some times that I have felt very blue but there have been moments of great joy as well.    Among other things, this city is known for its music, and we actually have been surprised to find music to be a great comfort, especially to Esther.    Evie has co-written this blog with me several times now, but for this one both Eliana (my 13 year old) and Cherish (my wife) had some things they wanted to say.   So, this blog is a real family effort!

The last blog we wrote I talked about our time being somewhat normal, since then things have become much less so as we have gotten down to the business of why we came here.  Esther did really well for the first few days of radiation and then about 5 days in developed a fever which, because her neutrophils went very low, resulted in her being hospitalized for two nights. She has now been hospitalized overnight in 4 different hospitals in 3 different states since her initial diagnosis (I wasn't hospitalized once)!  It hit me hard that night.  I found myself needing to shut the door to my room while the tears flowed down my cheeks.   I suddenly found myself wrestling with great fear, worrying if she was going to be ok.   While she was hospitalized I was able to see her in the evenings but as only one of us could be in the hospital room with her at a time, Cherish ended up staying overnight, while I went home with our other three girls.  It's hard being separated, even we're if only 15 minutes away, when I know my child isn't feeling well.   I feel so much better when I can see her & hold her.  While she was in hospital her hemoglobin dropped and the decision was made to give her a blood transfusion.    Esther has actually done very well to not need one before now.  But the reality that it was happening to our 6 year old girl overwhelmed me once again.   I'm so grateful that her blood counts improved and after two nights she was released to come home.  She has felt much better since and was able to finish up the week of radiation.  

As I wrestled with my emotions over the past several days I found myself drawn to the 23rd Psalm.    I can imagine the author, David, singing that Psalm in his mind as he walked down into the valley to fight Goliath.    The words "I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your rod and staff they comfort me" have soaked into my spirit.   Rods and staffs are shepherd's tools.  A rod was a short stick used to drive away enemies from the sheep and a staff was a longer stick with a hook at the end that helped to pull a sheep back into the fold with the others.  I am grateful for a Good Shepherd that has both a rod and a staff.    A rod for the dangers that come into our lives and staff to keep me close to Him.   On our 9 hour drive to Memphis, Eliana had played for me all her favorite Elvis songs, and there are quite a few!   Peace In The Valley is one of her most favorite Presley songs of all.  While meditating on that well known Psalm my mind went back to Elvis's song.    I'm not sure if the author Thomas A. Dorsey was thinking of the valley in the 23rd Psalm when he penned that beautiful song, but he might have been.    And now... here are some thoughts from Eliana.

From Eliana:  There are a few things that are actually good about this trip.  We got to visit amazing places like the Memphis Zoo, where we saw the almost extinct White Rhinos and Giant Pandas, Cirque Italia (an Italian Water Circus), three times to the Memphis Pyramid (world biggest Bass Pro shop), and the famous Peabody ducks.  Last week we got to see Mrs. Annette & Mr. Ed (who we hadn't seen for 2 years) when they came down from Missouri to pay us a visit.    They brought us lots & lots of dry wood for the firepit in our bedroom sized yard, which as you can imagine, Daddy was excited about.  We got to cross into Arkansas driving on a huge bridge over the Mississippi River.   This past Thursday night we got a surprise visit from our Mamaw and Aunt Gwynn, which was nice.    We went together to the Memphis Botanical Gardens where they had an Alice in Wonderland theme going on.   They had a 20 foot topiary of Alice, the Queen of Hearts, and the Cheshire cat.    We went to the famous Beale Street on the Saturday night, which looking back on, was NOT a good idea.  I think I saw three buildings that weren't clubs.  But the signs for the clubs made great pictures.   Everything is about 15 minutes from us, which Daddy has probably told you.    Anything you can think of, Aldi's, IKEA, like, three different malls, the Zoo, the Cheesecake Factory, but we've yet to find a Pal's (burgers) or an El Campestre (Mexican restaurant).     It is fun to be here and all , but it doesn't have the comfort of home.    So I'll be very glad to get back.

From Matthew:   After Esther was released from hospital I talked with Cherish about the emotion & fear that I felt.  Cherish said she believed God had shown her we "fear things that we have not truly surrendered to God."  That resonated with me.   I do know that God loves us and sees us but there is a part of me that feels that we have to keep a handle on the situation ourselves, and as long as we do everything we can do everything will work out alright.  This past couple of weeks was a reminder to me that no matter how much we try to do, in the end we are fully in His hands.  I am praying now that God will help me to trust Him more with not just Esther, with all of my family.   Ultimately there is very little I can do but there is SO much MORE that He can do!  One evening this past week I found myself in our little back yard, sitting around the firepit just talking to God.   I talked to Him like a friend that night, like He was sitting there next to me.   I didn't ask Him for anything specific but just enjoyed telling Him about what was on my heart.   I felt His peace enter my valley during that firepit prayer conversation.  Cherish will share next how I'm not the only one on this journey that has wrestled with fear & how His peace can come into our valley in the most unexpected of ways.

From Cherish:  Esther has struggled with fear & anxiety since her first hospital stay when she was diagnosed.   So much so, we started giving her some "calming" medication before her weekly hospital/clinic visits in hopes that she isn't traumatized by the pokes, and procedures.  The hospital has a child life team that helps comfort and distract the kids when they are going through something difficult.  Esther was introduced to Snuggle the Therapy dog on one of her visits.  Snuggle helped distract Esther from what was about to happen.  This golden retriever was a sweet distraction but Esther still wasn't comfortable.  The next day Esther was introduced to a Musical therapist that let Esther play a xylophone.  Esther played along with the musical lady and didn't care what the team of nurses were doing.  She was fixated on the music.  This helped me breath sign of relief because I wasn't having to coach Esther through every step of every procedure ensuring her that she would be okay.  The following day we didn't even have to request the Music Therapist.  She was waiting on Esther in the procedure room with two Ukuleles.  She and Esther picked out a few songs to play together and right away there was a calmness that came over Esther while they played the Ukelele together. The entire room of nurses was amazed to see Esther's anxiety fade away while she played music.  I could barely mumble a "Thank You" to the music Therapist because tears were welling up in my eyes and throat.  That was a magical moment that I will never forget.  It was a gift from God that my daughter needed that I could not give.    

From Matthew:   The last few days have been good.  We are now 11 days of treatment down, and 9 to go, so we're hopefully halfway through her treatment at St. Jude's and that much closer to coming home!  I don't know what this next week will hold, but whatever it brings the Good Shepherd is with us and He is well equipped with all the tools needed to bring us through. The end of the Psalm 23 declares "surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever".   I am comforted by the fact that the rod of our Savior always defeats the enemy, and His staff will ultimately keep us close to Him, promising us true peace in whatever valleys we walk through.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog.  We are so grateful for your prayers and for the calls, letters, cards, and gifts sent, reminding us how of how loved we are.  The visits from Ed & Annette, and Cherish's mom & sister Gwynn have helped keep us connected to family and home.   That has meant so much.    We love you all and pray for you as you pray for us.

"He is not afraid of bad news, his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord". Psalm 112:7 ESV.   

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word.  Just to rest upon His promise, Just to know, Thus saith the Lord.   Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him.  How I've proved Him o'er and o'er.  Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!  Oh, for grace to trust Him more".  Hymn by Louisa Stead.

From Matthew:  We've now been in Memphis for 11 days.   We are definitely feeling more settled in to our temporary home and are enjoying that just about anything we want to do is within a 15 minute drive of us.  We have been to a mall, Ikea, the zoo twice, Aldi's and more and probably haven't put more than 100 miles on our car!  This week has actually felt more "normal."  As normal as life can be 9 hours away from anything, or anyone, familiar to us!!  We got to join our Sunday church service in Chilhowie VA live via Zoom and were able to say hi to some church family via the computer.   I have converted a walk in closet into my new remote Memphis office. Complete with a desk, office chair, computer with an extra monitor.   This was a very hectic week with some long hours at work as October is our busiest month of the year and taking off a few days the week before put me somewhat behind.  

It was actually a good time for me to disappear into my office/closet as there was not much going on with Esther's treatment.   We had a couple of meetings with her new medical team at St. Jude's early in the week but no treatment until this past Friday when she had chemotherapy.  We have been given some clarity as to her treatment plan.   She will begin the proton therapy radiation on Monday Oct. 10th.   It will be every day (Monday - Friday) for 4 weeks, along with weekly chemotherapy, and is scheduled to finish Friday Nov. 4th.   To begin with at least, she will be sedated every day.    Apparently laying perfectly still for 15 minutes is difficult for an adult, much more so for a 6 year old little girl.  We are assuming there will be some follow up visits the week following her last radiation treatment. So... as long as there are no delays because of sickness we will hopefully finish our time at St. Jude's in Memphis by the 2nd week in November, and finally be able to head home!

This weekend, we went to an event called "Paint Memphis."    Over 150 artists came from all over the county to paint murals on the side of buildings in the downtown area.    We walked down Bingham Street and saw about 50 murals ourselves, most of them still in progress.   It was quite impressive and very different for us country folks to observe!    The picture at the top of this blog is of the mural that stood out most to me.   If you look closely at the building you'll see that this is an abandoned building with most of the windows broken out.  The artist who is on the ladder, still completing his masterpiece, had been able to take a forsaken place and turn it into a work of art.    I couldn't help but think of our own situation and believe that God is going to take the hard places that we are walking through and make something beautiful out of it. He's good at doing that.

In line with that was a conversation I had with my sister this weekend.   She told me about the history of the hymn "Tis So Sweet To Trust In Jesus".   I hadn't realized it before but the hymn writer, Louisa Stead, wrote these words soon after her husband drowned while trying to save a drowning child.   Out of that tragedy came the words "Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!  How I've proved Him o'er and o'er..."    I'm often struck with the realization of why certain songs as this one seem to stand the test of time.   It's because they were written during times when Christ gave hope and strength through great hardship and pain.    If our life was easy, or if God rescued us immediately out of every problem, we would never learn to trust Him through times of great heartache & struggle and we would find it hard to bring hope to others in the middle of theirs.    Next are some of Evie's thoughts.

From Evie:  Yesterday we went to this really cool museum next to the Mississippi River that had a concrete model of the river made into the walkway.   It went for what felt like half a mile and showed all the different layers of the Mississippi.   It gave me a thought that I'd like to share with you.    In a river there are shallow, rocky, and rapid sections.  The river is like God.  It a powerful force, a terrifying thing that could swallow you whole, but it is also a calm, gentle, and playful thing.    Rivers are feared as you should fear God.   You are wary of it's might, but still love it and wade in it.  In your life there may be rough patches, like the rapids, but there will also be calm, comfortable days like the deep of the river.   Even in those rough rapids you do not stray from God's love, all it does is make you appreciate the calm & deep.    Each day is different, some may be so hard that you want to give up, but others take the weight off your shoulders and help you recuperate for the next hard day.  Just remember in those hard days, God wouldn't let you go through something you and He couldn't handle.   Even if it seems too hard and takes too much out of you, God's plan is for you to make it out.

From Matthew: So... as we come out of this somewhat "normal" week in a city far from home and get ready to begin the unknown of twenty days of radiation treatments my prayer is that God will make something beautiful out of the brokenness of our lives and teach us to understand more the sweetness of trusting a God who knows, sees, and loves us exactly where we are. "Oh, for grace to trust Him more."

Look among the nations and watch— Be utterly astounded! For I will work a work in your days
Which you would not believe, though it were told you.  Habakkuk 1:5

I can hardly believe it has been more than a month since my last blog entry.  For those that have been waiting for an update, I apologize for the long period of silence.  The last month has been very packed full and I am honestly just now stopping to catch my breath.  This is an update to the one I originally published.  Evie gave me her words and I thought they were so good I wanted to add them in!

From Matthew:  So... to bring you up to speed here is what has happened with Esther and our family.    About a month ago we received confirmation that St. Jude's Children's Hospital in Memphis, TN had agreed to treat Esther for her radiation treatment.    This was an answer to prayer because St. Jude's is one of a handful of facilities in the country (I think just 5 or 6) that do Proton Therapy Radiation for children.  This was important to us because Esther's tumor was in her left eye socket and so the radiation will have to be done on that part of her face.   Proton Therapy Radiation does less damage to the exterior skin and should not cause any permanent scarring.   We don't know much more than that.  I did not need radiation for my cancer treatment, so this is new to us.   The downside to being treated at St. Jude's is that her radiation plan is 5 days a week for at least 4 weeks.   Daily treatment at a facility 500+ miles away from our home was not going to allow us to travel back and forth as we have done for UNC in Chapel Hill, NC.  It was going to be a full on commitment.

There was a lot to get lined up before we could go.  We were able to find a furnished house to rent, 15 minutes from the hospital, that had room for all of us in a good neighborhood, which would also allow us to bring our family dog!     October is the busiest month of the year for the Insurance Brokerage where I work so getting to Memphis by the end of September was important.   The last weekend of September is also our biggest church outreach of the year at our local Apple Festival.   The timing was perfect.   Right at the end of September, 3 days after the Apple Festival, we drove 9 hours to Memphis TN to live for a month in a city we had never been to before at our fourth hospital in 3 months, for treatment we knew very little about, whew, I'm tired.... but what an adventure!!

From Evie:  This week has felt like a month.  It's hard for me to believe that just a week ago I was at the Apple Festival painting faces & walking around the fair.  Now I am in Memphis, hours from home.   I miss my house, family, friends, and pets.   We are lucky to have been able to bring Biscuit (our dog) with us and it makes me smile to come back to the house to find her waiting for us.   I am a very homesick person and hate staying away from home for more than a week, so this month will be hard.   I am also scared for our safety in this city, which has a very high crime rate, but I know and trust that God will protect us.  He has this far, hasn't He?

From Matthew:  As difficult as much of this has been I can definitely see God's hand in all of it.   Esther has done SO well through her treatment.  She has had very minimal side effects and her blood counts have held up well in between treatments.   No blood transfusions have been needed so far. On almost every trip to Chapel Hill, NC (I think all but two) we saw a rainbow in the sky.   The rainbow was God's promise to Noah that He would show mercy to His creation.   He has definitely shown mercy to us.  Since our kids are homeschooled, Cherish doesn't work outside the home, we have a GREAT ministry team at church, and my work (which has been VERY supportive) allows me to work virtually it was possible to literally relocate our entire family for a month to be together for Esther's treatment.  

So... we have now been in Memphis for four days.  In that time Esther has been sedated again, had more scans, been fitted for her radiation mask, and we have met most of the team that will be treating Esther while she is here.    The verse at the beginning of this blog was given to me by a nurse in the imaging center at St. Jude's when we went in at the end of our first day there.  She shared how she had been a patient at the same hospital when she was 16.  Doctors said she wouldn't have children, but she has three and multiple grandchildren.  She said that Habakkuk 1:5 was her life verse and that God had done astounding things in her life and that He would do the same for us!  She was such a blessing at the end of a long day.

From Evie:  While being here in Memphis is a blessing, I can see how the devil is trying to hurt us still.   God made it possible for Esther to have treatment at St. Jude's, Satan made the city we have to stay in full of crime.  God helped us find a nice home in a safe neighborhood, Satan tries to make our stay hard by making the dishwasher break.  But those things seem little when I bring to mind all our blessings.  Like being together, having family who are willing to take care of our animals, and being able to take Esther to one of the best child cancer centers in the world.  We are so blessed and I am very thankful.   Without God's help we definitely wouldn't be in such a good position today.

From Matthew:  We have till the middle of next week before Esther's chemotherapy resumes and her radiation begins.  Her blood counts are good and she is feeling strong.  We are not on vacation but we are going to do as much together as a family as we can.  There is a lot to do in this big city, yesterday we got to go to the Memphis Zoo.  We saw Panda Bears for the first time in our lives, that was BIG for Emilie (one of Esther's sisters) as that is her favorite animal!    

While we are here I hope to be more consistent with writing this blog, and hopefully not only Evie but other family members will add to the entries.   I will plan to do this weekly at least during the month of October.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for all of your prayers, love, & support.   Until next time in the words of that great, (not so gospel), song by Mark Cohn, we'll be "walking in Memphis..." trusting our Lord to guide, provide, protect, and heal.   We are in His hands, there is no better place to be.  He "will work a work in your days Which you would not believe, though it were told you" Habakkuk 1:5

"Giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" Ephesians 5:20

From Matthew:   This has been a good week.   The week before this past one, Esther's bloodwork was low enough that her doctor called us on the way back from her weekly chemo treatment to tell us that she needed to be very careful.   Her platelets were 32 (normal range is 212 - 480).  Platelets are the part of our blood that form clots & stop or prevent bleeding.   He told Esther to hold off doing anything dangerous for the next 3 days to give time for her platelet count to improve.   That meant no jumping on the trampoline or headstands on the couch.   Esther then said "my friend dangerous has left!"   As usual, she was tired for a couple of days but by the weekend she was feeling much better.   All of a sudden three nights later she jumped up and ran to the front door, opened and closed it, then came back to where she was sitting.   "Dangerous," she announced, "has come back to play now" and went straight into a headstand!  The following Wednesday her bloodwork had much improved.  Her platelets were back to 376 and the trampoline was back in use!   The last few days she has felt much more energized.  This past weekend we had some good family times together.  We went out to eat, did some yard sale shopping, and even went to a beach at a local lake and did some swimming.   It has felt good for her to feel good.  Almost normal.

This week we begin another 3 week cycle.  The first week in the cycle is the long treatment where she is given 3 different chemo drugs (the other two weeks she's only given one).    This is the week that we will bring her home still connected to her port with a portable pump that gives her another 24 hours of fluids.  On the day after we get home we'll have to remove the needle from her port ourselves, along with the very sticky clear band aid that covers it, and with one of Cherish's nurse sisters help, give her a shot that helps rebuild her bone marrow.   I am NOT looking forward to that.   She has struggled with a lot of anxiety over simply drinking liquid medicine.   Having to give her a shot is an exhausting ordeal.    But... for the third time now, we'll get through it, and prepare ourselves for the way this week's chemo treatment drags down her body until it rebuilds.  

From Evie:   Sometimes things don't go your way.  Actually things don't go your way a lot.  My family definitely understands that.  But you know what?  I don't dwell on the fact that our lives have been harder than a lot of other peoples, because it could be worse.   It could always be worse.   I've actually learned that the bad days are the ones that shape you into the person you are meant to be.  There's this song, I can't remember the name, but one line in it always seems to stick out to me "If you've never had hard days, would you know what it's like to dance in the rain?"   I love that because for me it shows that even the gloomiest day can become a happy memory if you just look to the good.  No matter what is going on in your life there will always be something to be happy about.    The word joy is a good representation of that.  Joy is a state of mind, not a momentary feeling.  Mommy & Daddy often tell us that you have to choose to be happy, and as much as it annoys me when they say that, it's true.    If you choose to be happy, you will be.  Even in the worst parts of your life.

From Matthew:  In the midst of the ups and downs of our situation I came across a verse in Ephesians this past week.   It stopped me in my tracks.    I was already familiar with I Thessalonians 5:18 which says "IN everything give thanks."   There is a sign that hangs above the television in our den that says "there is always, always, a reason to be thankful."   I've often said you don't have to be thankful FOR everything just be thankful IN everything.    However, the 20th verse of Ephesians 5 says something very different.  It says "giving thanks ALWAYS for ALL things!"  That just blew me away.    I decided that the word FOR was incorrect, a poor translation.   So... I looked at the verse in every version on www.biblegateway.com and to my complete shock saw that every translation said... FOR!!  How can that be?  I can be thankful for some things but... be thankful FOR ALL things?   One of things Cherish and I have wrestled with during this time is the feeling that life is random.   Does it really matter if we pray or if we don't?  Does what's going to happen just happen anyway?  I know that is not true, but it's part of the emotions we have felt.   As I pondered the word "for" in the Ephesians verse it began to speak to my spirit.   To be thankful for the pain we have to believe that there truly is a purpose in it, that my life in Christ is not random, that He does see & hear us in the midst of where we are.    It's often easier to see the purpose when we look back.    As hard as it has been to walk through my daughter's cancer, just one year after my cancer treatment ended, having been through something similar myself has helped us to know better what she is going through and it's helped Esther to know that I understand.   When we were first at the hospital she told her sisters "I'm going to get a port like Daddy."  She'll often ask me if I had to do what she is doing and how I felt.  For many things I'm able to say that I have and that seems to help her. Seeing that purpose in my cancer doesn't make what I went through ok but at least it helps it somewhat make sense.    I'm definitely thankful that I went through cancer treatment BEFORE my six year old little girl.

As I pondered this whole concept I remembered a story from the book The Hiding Place," by Corrie Ten Boom.  She gives an account of when she and her sister Betsie were in a Nazi Concentration Camp.   Betsie led them both to be thankful for their situation, which was a thousand times worse than anything I have ever faced.   Among the things she encouraged Corrie to be thankful for were the fleas in their sleeping quarters.  Corrie said:   “The fleas! This was too much. ‘Betsie, there’s no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.’ “  ‘”Give thanks in all circumstances,”‘ she quoted. ‘It doesn’t say, “in pleasant circumstances.” Fleas are part of this place where God has put us.’ “And so we stood between tiers of bunks and gave thanks for fleas. But this time I was sure Betsie was wrong.” It turned out that Betsie was not wrong; the fleas were a nuisance, but a blessing after all. The women were able to have Bible studies in the barracks with a great deal of freedom, never bothered by supervisors coming in and harassing them."  Corrie & Betsie finally discovered that it was the fleas that kept those supervisors out.

From Evie: Don't be too focused on the reasons you should be happy and neglect to acknowledge what makes your life special to God.  I was watching the Christian YouTuber named Brandon Farris and in a particular video he decided to make the room the world's brightest room and stay in it for twenty-four hours.   Something he said at the end of the video hit me very hard "Even in the world's brightest room, it's easy to overlook what's most important."     It's easy to forget what you love the most when you are caught up in every bad or good thing that's going on in your life.  So take a moment, it doesn't have to be every day, once a week would do, and just think about the reason you're working so hard, the reason you're pushing yourself to be better, and remember that every day is just another page in your book, a book that doesn't end when you die.  That's only the beginning of an eternal story.

From Matthew:  I'm so grateful Evie, my 15 year old daughter, is writing this blog with me.  As we as a family continue down this journey of Esther's I am asking God for the strength to trust Him with what I do not understand, be grateful for the things I would not choose, and believe that there is somehow purpose in the pain.   I do believe in a God who sees, who cares. who understands far more than we do, and knows how to "work all things together for our good" Romans 8:28.   God is good.  Amen.

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the [a]author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2

From Matthew:  We are a little behind in putting out this blog entry.    There has been a lot happen since last time we wrote.   And... I'm honestly finding it more difficult to write about Esther's struggle than I did about my own.    I decided to wait till I had processed things a little more.   I think Evie (my 15 year old daughter who is co-writing this blog with me) needed some time as well. This after all is not primarily my journey, it's Esther's and it's our whole family's.  We are all on this road hand in hand together.  I want to be careful to protect hers and my family's heart even as I share from mine. In the two weeks since our last blog entry two dramatic events happened in our life.   The first was when Esther lost her hair.  The second is when I received confirmation from my cancer doctor that I am officially in remission.    Both happened within 24 hours of each other.

Esther has ALWAYS had hair.  She was born with more hair then any of her sisters were born with and she didn't lose it like many babies do.  Her hair had been falling out for a few days before she told us on Monday that she wanted to have it shaved off.   Every time she laid down, whatever she laid her head on was left covered with hair.  Earlier in the week I had shown Esther the video of when my hair was shaved, 3 weeks into my chemo treatment.    Just like her dad, 3 weeks in, she decided to have hers shaved too.    So... for the first time in her 6 years she is bald. It was a sad moment but at the time wasn't as emotional as I anticipated it being.    We had a rough few days last week with her stomach cramping and honestly her losing her hair didn't seem as big a deal, at least she was happy and feeling good that day.    However, I'm still getting used to it.  I'll walk in a room and see her and jump at first thinking, "who is that?"   I'll get used to it, and we'll have fun with the different hats & wigs she can wear.  It is hard to see her without hair, especially as it makes it obvious to all that she is not well.  But the much more important thing is she gets better.   Her hair will grow back.  Mine sure did.  

From Evie:  Hand everything over to God, no matter how silly or sad.  Even when you don't want to.   Never hold onto it.   Holding onto it never turns out good.   You may think, "oh, this is such a stupid thing to worry about, God doesn't need a worry like this."  But, God wants all of your worry, your fear, and your hurt.  He wants to take the burden from you but He can't do that unless you willingly give Him your worries.  Something that I'm having a hard time handing over to God is Esther's protection.  One of the things that goes to the oldest sibling is the safety of the younger ones, and I can't help wanting to protect my little sisters.   Because of that, it has been very hard for me to give up my instinct to protect Esther from what she is going through. One example of that is when she had her hair shaved.  Up until then people could look at her and not know anything was wrong, but now they look at her and they see a little girl with cancer.   While Esther was getting her hair shaved I kept shifting in front of her so if someone drove past, they wouldn't see her.  That was when I realized I wasn't giving the burden to God.

From Matthew: The next morning after Esther lost her hair, Cherish and I drove together to meet with my Cancer doctor.  I'd had bloodwork and a CT scan done a couple of days before.  I felt confident the results would be good but there was an inkling of doubt.   What if the news was not good, on top of what we were already dealing with?   Cherish and I prayed together as we rode in the car.   I asked God for a sign to show us that He was with us.   We needed some encouragement.   We believe firmly that we are not alone in this journey of life, but sometimes you need to feel it not just know it.   My oncologist confirmed that the bloodwork and CT scans were all good and said I didn't need to see him again for another 6 months.  He said I can get my port removed and then he said that I was officially considered in remission!  That was GREAT news, not completely unexpected but we were still relieved to hear those words.    I have been sure of my healing since before my chemotherapy finished back in July of last year, but it's always good to have a doctor confirm it!   Before I left the doctor's office I was scheduled for surgery to get my port removed.    After we left the doctor's office we went a different route than usual to get some coffee.  We stopped at a red light and Cherish suddenly pointed at a billboard at the intersection and said "look, that's the doctor that put in your port and the one who's taking it out."    I don't remember ever seeing that billboard before.   I got so excited, God had answered our prayer by literally showing us a BIG sign that He was with us!   So, I of course had to lean out the window at the traffic light and take a picture to show all of you (it's the one at the top of this blog).  In that moment we were reminded that we are not alone.

From Evie:   When you put everything in God's hands not only does it make God happy, but it also takes a lot of weight off your shoulders.  Trust God with the most precious and important things in your life and He will show you love like you have never seen.   God wants to be your best friend, and best friends tell each other everything.  So don't keep things from God.  Trust me, everything will get better, just allow Him to take away the worry, fear, and hurt.  Only good will come of it.

From Matthew:  I am grateful that one day in between my daughter's head being shaved and her having her 4th chemotherapy infusion (20 more to go) I not only got good news about my health but our faith was strengthened by the sign God brought into our life.   So often life is like that.  Happy & tearful moments all happen around the same time.    I think that maybe helps us to keep our sanity as well as our faith.   I was reminded this week of the scripture at the beginning of this blog (Hebrews 12:1-2).   We are surrounded by so many that are living now and those that have gone on to Heaven before us that are watching our lives.   God calls us to have endurance and live holy in this life knowing that there is a great joy ahead of us.    I listened to a sermon this week by a minister (Bill Johnson) who had just lost his wife to cancer.  He said that one day in Heaven we will worship Christ for eternity and we will do it without pain but, "this life is my one opportunity to worship Him WHILE I'm in pain".     When heartache hits it's normal to feel like abandoning everything, even our faith in God, but it is the joyous hope that we have in Christ that reminds us that He is with us in our pain and gives us the strength to endure what this life brings & live a life that pleases Him even when times are tough.  Christ has done so much for me, I don't want to only give Him praise when things go well in my life.  I don't want to miss the opportunity to give Him glory when life is painful.

Thank you for praying with us as we walk through this journey as a family together.   Life is sometimes hard, but God is always good.  Esther gave me permission to share the below picture with you.  It was taken the day her head was shaved.  Isn't she beautiful?

Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?  Psalm 56:3-4.   Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief.  Isaiah 53:10

From Matthew:   It has been about 10 days since our last blog entry.  A lot has happened since then.   There is a lot we are thankful for.  We remain so grateful for all those that have reached out to us to bless us in so many ways, with meals, toys for Esther, financial gifts and more, but nothing is more appreciated that the prayers that we can see are already making a huge impact in Esther's life.   We have gotten connected to a Christian family much like ours who have a little girl about Esther's age who has the same kind of cancer and is just about a week ahead in her treatment.   Hearing how their little girl is doing and seeing the similarity of their treatment regimens has been very helpful, we are grateful for that contact.   We are VERY thankful that all the test results have shown that Esther's cancer has NOT spread, but has remained localized to the area of her left eye socket where the surgeon removed her tumor.      

Despite that wonderful news the protocol for treating Esther's cancer requires 24 weeks of chemotherapy infusions with at least 2 weeks of radiation therapy.  She had her first chemotherapy infusion this past Wednesday (4 days ago).  It was an all day affair, about 8 hours.  Her first day of chemo was actually one year to the day after I had finished my last chemo treatment.  That's a just little hard to wrap my head around... She has done really well, very little nausea, but has been markedly tired, taking long naps during the day.   It has been hard to watch our little ball of energy become pretty deflated.  On Saturday's it is part of our family routine for me to load up all the girls, take the trash off, stop by the gas station for a soda and a snack, and do any other needed errands.   They all look forward to that every week, none more than Esther.    Today when we left, for the first time ever, she didn't want to go.  She was too tired.   That made me sad.  However, besides her feeling tired (which was expected) she is doing very well.  The next two weeks of treatment are not as intense and I feel sure she will continue to bounce back well.  She is a strong little girl.

One thing that has been particularly difficult for me is that, until now, aside from the crooked eye (that is now back straight again), Esther has not at all looked sick.   Having been through chemotherapy myself, I had a pretty good idea of how it was going to make her feel.    It was very hard to agree to inflict this treatment on her when she honestly looked (and acted) perfectly fine!!!  On top of all that, after her chemo day, we were sent home from the hospital with her port still accessed and a bag of fluids pumping for the next 24 hours.   We then had to not only take out the big needle that was inserted into her port, but we also had to give her another shot at home!   I'm very grateful that Cherish has two sisters that are nurses who were willing to come and help us!!  What made it worse is that Esther has been very fearful and has panicked with each new experience.    It's hard enough agreeing to let the doctor give her treatment that is going to make her feel sick, it's even more difficult to have to give her what the doctor says she needs, but then have her fight us because she is afraid.  The scripture in Isaiah 53:10 came to mind this past week where it says "It pleased the Lord to bruise Him" which speaks of Father God being pleased to send Jesus, the Son of God, to pay the price for our sin & sickness.  I can't say that I am "pleased" to put Esther through this but we have chosen to do it, believing it is for her good.  It's challenging to explain that to a 6 year old.  All she knows that is there are things happening to her that she doesn't like and don't feel good.    I'm so grateful that Father God was pleased to cause Christ to take our place on the cross.   It's one thing to put your child through something for what you believe is their own good, quite something different to bruise them for someone else's good.  That is what God did for us.   He loves us that much.  

As I have watched Esther struggle so much with every new experience I have thought a lot about how fear and worry is mostly over things that we just imagine might happen and even real situations are made much worse because of the anxiety we feel.   Three times in Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus instructs us "do not worry."  The 3rd time in verse 34 He says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  I may not be kicking and screaming on the outside over this whole situation, but I definitely feel that way on the inside.   Allowing fear & worry to control us causes us to miss the moments of hope and joy along the way.  We can become so overwhelmed by the darkness of the situation & how we feel about it that we totally miss the goodness of God in the midst of the pain.  I'm continuing to ask the Lord for the ability to live a day at a time and not live today worried about tomorrow.   We did have some good moments this week, last night especially we had a lot of laughter while playing a game of cards, and today Evie, Eliana, Emilie and I spent some time together in town, going to my girls favorite store, The Goodwill, and feeling a little more "normal."  

For this week's blog Evie and I wrote independent from each other, we didn't see what each other wrote before we had written our parts.  What she wrote is inspiring to me.  Here she is...

From Evie:  God is good.  No matter what situation or predicament you find yourself in.  He is good.  Yes life is bad, but not matter what happens remember that God is good.  How do you remember this?  Focus not on the bad aspects of the day, the week, the month, or even the year.   Focus on the good.   Like a sunny day, friends, and family that love you, random acts of kindness, and if nothing else, that you woke up breathing in a soft, warm, bed this morning!   People get sick, friends let you down, you lose your job, loved ones die, but God never once has left you.  If you just look you can see where He put His hand on your life.  Maybe it was something big like a promotion or a free trip to Hawaii, or maybe it was finding a hundred dollars that helped you pay a bill, or someone paying for your meal in the drive through line!  This week the place I saw God was Friday night when we were trying to learn a new game.  Emilie & Esther were "styling" Daddy's hair while Mommy read the instructions and Elie and I goofed off.  It felt so natural and silly that for just a little bit I forgot about everything that has happened in the past two years and just laughed.   And we did laugh.  We laughed until our stomachs hurt and we couldn't breathe.   It was just so refreshing.  I've been worrying so much recently that I feel that I never truly laugh anymore.  It's like when someone sends you something funny and you type "lol" when you didn't really laugh.   That's how these past few weeks have been for me, but Friday I got away from it all and just spent time playing a game with my family.

From Matthew:  I have leaned a lot on the Psalms over the last three weeks.   Psalm 56:3 says "whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You."   He didn't say "if," he said "when."  David knew a lot about fear, running from his life from King Saul, hiding in caves in the middle of the wilderness, wondering if God's purpose for his life would ever be fulfilled.  Fear & worry are not always bad, but when we let them control our mind, will, and emotions they become our greatest enemy.   As we walk through this new cancer journey with Esther I am finding an even greater need for my trust in God to be strengthened.  I am afraid, but with God's strength I will not let fear overcome me.    Another great Psalm says "When my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I" Ps. 61:2.    Again, he didn't say "if," he said "when."    In two weeks I have my next CT scan and additional tests a year out from my last cancer treatment.  I don't have time to worry about that.   I am learning that fear, worry, & feeling overwhelmed are part of life's journey.  It's what we do when they happen to our life that matters.    I've had a lot of medical bracelets over the past year or so, and Esther has a lot more to come.  Today a good friend gave me a different bracelet with the words "do not fear I am with you - Isaiah 41:10".    Knowing that He who loves us so much that He willingly took the punishment for our sin upon Himself is WITH us gives us the strength that we need to trust in Him, even when our heart is overwhelmed.  God is good... all the time.

From Evie:  If God wasn't good we wouldn't get those glorious moments of laughter and rest. Our whole life we'd just be running and running with no time to just sit and spend time with family and friends.  If God wasn't good no one would be good because God is the One who created right and wrong.  God has always and will always be with you.  Sometimes He will be beside, sometimes in front, and sometimes behind, but He never leaves.  Don't let the world convince you otherwise!!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and be on this journey with us.  We love you.

“...You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22:36-40. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Gal. 6:2

It has now been a week since we received the heart rending news that our 6 year old Esther was diagnosed with cancer.   Since that time we have tried to absorb the impact of that information.   We don't yet have the exact plan of action for her treatment (we'll know that in a couple of days), but we know more than we did a few days ago.  Here are some thoughts from me (Matthew) and Evie (my oldest daughter) of where we are at on this difficult journey.

From Matthew:   This past Friday after spending 7 nights in the hospital, we finally got to go home!    It was SO good to see our other 3 girls.  Cherish & I have never both been gone from them that long throughout their entire lives!   During the week we were in the hospital Esther was sedated 4 times for an MRI, surgery, a CT/PET scan, a bone marrow aspiration, and a lumbar puncture.  To say the least she (& we) were exhausted in every way.   It was so great to be home.   Esther has bounced back famously from what was the hardest week of her life so far and is running around with joy and energy.    So far, based on the test results we have seen and a conversation with her oncologist everything is pointing to her cancer NOT having spread and remaining localized to the area where the tumor was removed.  That is wonderful news and a great answer to prayer.

From Evie:  These past few days have been really nice.   It's almost felt normal.   We even got to go and see two firework shows.   I'm so thankful that Mommy, Daddy, & Esther got to come home on Friday.   I was really happy to wake up Saturday morning and Mommy & Daddy in the kitchen and Esther watching TV in the basement.   I've missed the normalcy.   These few days have been like a reset for me.  I had been feeling very mentally drained but once they were home it was like a switch was flipped in my brain and all that went away!   I think I had been missing them a lot more than I even realized myself!

From Matthew:  The gravity of the situation is still sinking in.   One thing that makes this so difficult to comprehend is how healthy and full of life Esther seems to be.   When I began my treatment last year I was sick and obviously needed medical intervention.   Esther looks totally fine and normal to us.  Even her eye is lined up perfectly after her surgery and is healing up great.  The likelihood of two people in the same family being diagnosed with cancer so close to the same time is absolutely staggering. I'm guessing we have a better chance of winning some kind of lottery!   I had my port inserted (which I still have) on May 17, 2021.  Esther had hers placed on June 20, 2022, just over a year apart.  The type of cancer I was diagnosed with was unusual for someone of my age (testicular cancer is typically a young man's cancer).  Out of the 74 million children that currently live in the US only 400 children a year are diagnosed with the type of cancer Esther has.   Although I'm feeling great and am not on any cancer medication or treatment I am still not released from the care of my cancer oncologist (have more scans scheduled for the beginning of August) and my doctor has not yet officially said that I am in remission.   To me there is no way this is just sheer bad luck.    I am convinced that the message God has called us to bring through the love & truth of God's Word is a threat to the enemy of our souls who would like nothing more than to silence our voice and cause us to give up the fight.   Many other lives (none more so than our own children) would be affected if we abandoned hope and faith in Christ.    I do not believe sickness comes as a punishment from God.  He punished Himself for us on the cross, and "by His stripes we are healed."  We live in fallen world where sickness is part of the human experience but I do not feel this sickness is random.  It did not go unnoticed to me that the very next day after the Supreme Court overturned Roe Vs. Wade, saving the lives of thousands of unborn children, my little girl was hospitalized for cancer.   Cherish & I have sought for years to be a voice for the unborn, not just by standing against abortion but in seeking to help families that take in children and centers that support mothers who choose to have their baby.  We have also been greatly burdened for children who are trafficked in modern slavery.   Matthew 18:1-14 tells us that children are VERY precious to the heart of God.   We are in a battle, and the enemy of our souls, who was not able to take me out me last year has now very cowardly gone after the most vulnerable in our family. I am determined, as God gives me strength, to fight for her healing through prayer and by trusting in the goodness of God as well as continuing to stand for the truth of God's Word.

From Evie:   Esther being diagnosed was shocking.  She looks so healthy & happy.  The complete opposite of Daddy when he was diagnosed.    It is unreal.   I'm still having a hard time believing it.    I fell like I will blink and everything will be normal again, like this is some scary day dream I'm having.   But no matter how many times I blink, it does not go away.   My littlest sister still has to go through treatment, my mom & dad still get calls from the doctors at any time of the day.   I want to send the Devil to Hell for this, fortunately he is already there.  We will fight against this war that is going on in the spirit realm.   We will cheer for the angels and pray to God because this is all in His hands.   We must remember that this is not God's doing, but the Snake himself.    There is a quote I just read, "great heroes need great sorrows & burdens or half their greatness goes unnoticed" (Peter S. Beagle).   If this is true then my dad and little sister must be two of the greatest heroes.   They have both been through so much.  I trust God has a plan for our lives and that one day Daddy can tell his grandkids, Esther's children, about everything they have gone through as if it were an epic adventure from fairy tales.

From Matthew:  Among all the hard things that we have had to deal with this past week we have received such great encouragement by those that as Galatians 6:2 says are fulfilling the law of Christ (loving God and people as ourselves) by helping to bear our burden.   Those that have committed to fight with us.    I can't overstate how strengthened our family feels by those whose hearts have been touched by Esther's struggle.   The doctors and medical staff at the UNC Children's Hospital have been fantastic.   Esther is a very inquisitive little girl and has asked many questions and wants to understand as much as possible.  The medical staff have been very caring and patient with her, and with us.  Over 50 people showed up for a special prayer meeting just to pray for Esther last week.   There were more comments on last week's blog than ANY of the blogs that I wrote last year.  As of this writing the Facebook post that I put out on June 29th sharing Esther's diagnosis has been shared 135 times.  That's 135 people that have made her post their own.   I am still working my way through the 250+ comments on that post alone and am seeing that multiple churches stopped and prayed for her this past Sunday.   Esther has been sent stuffed animals, toys, get well cards, as well as financial gifts.   We have been directly contacted by people we didn't previously know who have prayed with us, offered us a place to stay, and more.   Many people have changed their FB profile picture to one of Esther in order to show their support.    Such an outpouring of support from those we already know and love and those that we had never before met.  We are so grateful.  

From Evie:  I am so amazed at how many people have reached out to give us encouragement or to pray for us!   I couldn't believe that other churches stopped their services just to pray for our little Esther!   Most of these people probably have never met her, yet they are praying for her and have sent her presents.  I can't wait until Esther is older and reads all the comments people have written.   I'm sure they will bring tears to her eyes.    I don't think Esther still really doesn't understand what is going on.  She still doesn't know that she will probably lose her hair.  She is only six, although she acts older, it would break my heart to see her have to shave her head like Daddy.  But, even as tears flood my vision I will hold her hand through because she is my littlest sister and I her biggest sister.   Thank you for all the support & prayers.  

From Matthew:  We will write another blog in a few days once we have more details about Esther's treatment.  In the meantime I just want to say on behalf of my family how thankful we are for your love and support.   The greatest thing anyone can do is give their time to stop and pray for us.  Physical gift are great, cards and stuffed animals do bring much needed smiles, but the only thing that can heal our daughter is the power of prayer.  For that we are the most grateful. We love you all.  Thank you for helping to share our burden.  God is good... all the time.

Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer.   From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  For You have been a shelter for me, A strong tower from the enemy.  I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.   Psalm 61:1-4

So... it has been 10 months since my last blog entry.   I wanted to continue writing after I regained my health from cancer last year but life got so busy and I honestly wasn't sure where to go with it since it had begun as a way to document my journey with cancer.     I came to the conclusion that I would write again but only when I had the inspiration to do so.    My much unwanted current situation, some hospital room numbers, and my oldest daughter has given me that nudge.    Just a couple of days ago she texted me and said "Daddy, remember that thing u were writing when you were sick last year?   U should write in that thing again..."    Evie is actually a budding writer herself.    I asked her if she would co-write this revival of my blog & she said yes!  This first part is from me.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of bad news.    About 2 weeks ago my wife, Cherish, noticed that my youngest daughter's, Esther, left eye was crooked.  We suspected a lazy eye. Cherish reached out to her pediatrician, which led to an optician, and then a pediatric ophthalmologist, who sent her that day to Roanoke Memorial Hospital for an emergency MRI, for which Esther has to be sedated for the first time in her young life.   I went up to join Cherish & Esther expecting to bring them home the next day. The MRI detected a mass under her left eye which was pressing on her eye ball, causing the crooked eye.  Instead of going home my 6 year old daughter and Cherish were being transported by ambulance, in the middle of the night, to the UNC Children's Hospital in Chapel Hill, NC.  I followed behind in the car, getting to the hospital at 3 a.m.  Sunday afternoon Esther was sedated for a second time for a biopsy but instead the surgeon was able to remove the entire mass, which was good news, however, he was not able to remove the surrounding tissue.   The next day was a day of waiting, playing with Esther, and hoping for good news.    The following day is when the bomb was dropped, when the pediatric oncologist told us our sweet, beautiful, full of life, little girl had cancer and would at least need 6 months of chemo + radiation, and would need to have a port fitted along with additional tests to determine whether or not the cancer had spread.    So... we went from Friday thinking she had a lazy eye to finding out on Tuesday (4 days later) that she instead had cancer.

My entire world collapsed.   I have never felt so overwhelmed by grief and despair.   Someone said the worst thing in the world is not being told you have cancer, it's being told your child has cancer.  It felt like it was not real.  Like I could blink and everything would change.  Still to this point she has not had a headache, a temperature, a sore throat, not even a sniffle.  She has bags of energy and is happy.  Esther just wants to know one thing, "when can I go home?"   I struggled to know what to say to my family, my church, and others.  I have spoken so much about God being good but in that moment I began to wonder if He really is good and if He truly cares.   I felt an incredible urge to grab my wife and daughter and just run away.   Leave everything:  my job, the ministry, and just hide with my family.   I knew that wasn't logical but I felt it just the same.   I said to Cherish I think I might need some counseling.  I felt like I just wanted to sit in the corner and cry.  I was feeling this way when my mother in law, Sissy, and sister in law, Gwynn, came to visit.    I left them to visit with Cherish and Esther while I caught up on work and tried to keep my mind off things.   Before they left Sissy went up to see Esther's room and I chatted with Gwynn for a few minutes.

While we were talking, with emotion in her voice, Gwynn said "I feel like you are being attacked." When she said that, it somehow registered deep inside of my spirit and without thinking my reaction was "well then we've got to fight."   In that moment, a light came on inside me.  I began to see that the enemy of our souls that had tried to take me out last year had now attached the most vulnerable one of our family.    His goal was to cause me to give up as he knew what lives would be affected if I did so.   The lives of my wife, children, congregation, and anyone else that looks to me as an example or for inspiration, counsel, or encouragement.  

As I walked back to our hospital room,  I began to think of the significance of the room numbers we had been in since first being admitted to the hospital in Roanoke, VA.    Each one had been significant.  I noticed things about the room numbers at the time but I hadn't yet connected the dots to see a pattern.  That first night our room number in Roanoke was 1131, the last four numbers of my wife's phone number.  The first room we were in at the UNC Hospital was floor 7, room 22.   In the Bible, 7 is the number of God (created world in 7 days, etc.).    22 is the day of my birthday.    In the room we had just been relocated to earlier that day that we were now on floor 5, room 5.  In the Bible, 5 is the number of grace.  Those may be coincidence but I take them as a hint that God is still with us, He knows, and He cares, and... He is still good.    I didn't notice all of that until I began to see my daughter's sickness for the attack it truly was.

The next part of this blog is written by our 15 year old daughter Evie, who loves her little sister very much and also loves to write.   "This week has been a bit confusing and unreal.   All we knew last Friday was that Esther was at the hospital and that Daddy had to drive down because Mommy didn't have a car.  When I knew something was really wrong was when my parents and little sister weren't home by Sunday.   Daddy never likes to be out of church on the Sunday after Youth Camp.   I remember having to fight back tears all of that day.  I couldn't smile for more than a minute without it fading back into a frown.   We are so lucky to have a loving & caring family who are jumping at the chance to help.  If not for our family this week would have been much harder.  Monday as I was feeding our chickens in the morning I suddenly had the idea to tell Daddy to start his blog again.   Then Daddy called and asked me if I would like to write in the blog.   I'm very glad to have this opportunity to give you all my opinion on what is going on."

And Evie, I'm very glad to have your help and to do this together!!   In a few minutes the medical team will come and get my little girl.  She will be sedated again and along with additional tests will be fitted with a port, which will match the one that I still have in my body.   I am quite sure that emotions will overwhelm me again and the urge to run may again become strong.  But, I must not give in to despair. I will not surrender to the enemy.  Too many lives would be affected if I did.  But... I do need the strength that only comes from God.  In the words of the psalm at the beginning of this blog entry "when my heart is overwhelmed; lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

...the hair of his head began to grow back after it had been shaven Judges 16:20

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.  Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.”  James 4:13-15

As I sat down to write this blog entry I was surprised to see that it has been almost 6 weeks since my last writing.   I will do better going forward with making these more regular again as I have come to see that the subject of finding God in and through times of suffering is something that is an ongoing need for all of us.  I realize that much more than I did just 6 months ago.  

After the crazy first half of this year I have been anxious to try to get back to living life and doing things that I have not been able to do.  The month of August was a bit of a blur in the best of ways.  As the month progressed I found myself able to get back to a much more "normal" life.   My work was busy and I had the energy and for the most part the mental strength to do what I needed to do.    I was able to get out in person and lead a manager training session, go to our corporate office a couple of times, and attend an in person training with some of our contract workers.  On top of that I got back in the pulpit.  I ended up preaching the last four Sunday's (in a row) in August.  That is more than I preached between Easter Sunday and the beginning of July!   Oh, and my hair has finally begun to grow back, don't know yet the color or the texture but I'm glad to see some peach fuzz is coming in!

As much as I have wanted things to go back to "normal" I am realizing that whether I like it or not life has changed.   Two weeks ago on the way to a meeting I stopped to get gas and laid my wallet on the roof of my car to get my debit card out and swipe it to pay at the pump.  When I drove off my wallet was still on the roof of the car.  I didn't realize it till about 3 hours later and when I retraced my steps I only found my health insurance card on the side of an interstate entrance ramp.  Everything else was gone.   My wallet and it's contents had been scattered and lost along the side of a busy highway.    I spent a good part of the rest of the afternoon calling to cancel & replace debit/credit cards as well as my drivers license and other items.   It was frustrating, but as I thought about it I realized that the scattering of the contents of my wallet was a good illustration of what happened to my life over the last 6 months, although putting the pieces of a wallet back together is definitely a little easier than a life.

This past week we took a family vacation and I am so grateful to God that we got to have one.   A couple of months ago we weren't sure if a vacation would even be possible.    As much as I loved spending the time away with family, I found myself fluctuating between joy and sadness.   I would see one of my daughters with a big smile on her face having a good time and the next moment I would feel a wave of grief sweep over me.    I found myself thinking that if something happened to her, I would miss the happiness I feel now.    It's like my mind wouldn't let me just enjoy the moment.    I think the trauma of the journey I have been on this year from the loss of people close to us in addition to the cancer I was faced with has caused me to see much clearer than I wanted the fragility of life.    My wife used to say to me that I never worried about our kids, I was always just so confident that they would be fine.   Through this year's journey I have become acutely aware that everything in life is temporary and can change in a moment.   I don't like that awareness.  But... as much as I would like life to just go back the way that it was, I can't undo what I've experienced.   How I see life has changed for me.

So... how do we find hope for the future in a world where life suddenly becomes fragile?  I want to spend some time sharing over the next few blog entries what I have been learning about the identity of God that is helping me through the uncertainty that I suddenly feel.   I am more aware than ever of my need to learn to live more in the moment, which is the heart of the scripture from the book of James at the beginning of this blog.  I'm finding if I don't the sadness of what might be tries to steal the joy of the present.  In a few days I have another CT scan followed by a visit to my oncologist.  I am expecting good results but I know that anything is possible.   I'm continuing to learn to live in the moment.  Today I went for an hour walk with my daughters and our dog.  I played (and lost) a game of Monopoly against my 2nd oldest daughter (she was very proud to finally beat me).   It has been a good day and that is enough.

Before I end this blog entry I wanted to share something that happened a couple of days ago.  I was talking with someone who I didn't think I knew.  He told me that he had been reading my blog and that he and his wife had been praying for me every night for the past few months. It completely blew me away.   It was a reminder to me that so many of you have been continuously praying for me and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.    I do believe it is all of your prayers that have brought me through this very difficult time in my life and I want to say thank you with all of my heart.   The best I know to do in return is to continue writing this blog to share what I can that may help someone else through whatever struggle in life they may face.    The one thing I have learned this year is that so many face tragedy & trauma in different ways and we all need God's strength and grace to bring us through.    Knowing that we are not alone is a big help and praying for one another makes us all stronger.

Thanks for taking the time to read this blog and for being on this journey with me.  I am forever grateful for your love and prayers.

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:12-13

Well... it's been about two weeks since my last blog entry, so I'm behind.  Sorry about that.   After my last entry I honestly wasn't sure where to go next.   My blogs began as a way to document my journey with cancer and with my last entry and my "done" t-shirt I felt like a turn needed to be made in what I focus on, but I really wasn't sure what direction that turn needed to go.     I definitely want to continue to write as I know so many of you are reading what is written (and I'm humbled by that) but I guess I'm searching to find what someone that's not having chemotherapy for cancer blogs about!!

I do have some info to update you on regarding my health and some thoughts about my mindset at the moment.   My last doctor's visits earlier this week went well.    The doctor told me that I am officially in "maintenance mode."  Not only did my last CT scan look great but so did the tumor markers blood test I had done.   I am so grateful to God and to all of your prayers that I know have brought me through to the victory side!   What I am discovering though is that regaining strength and muscle is going to take much longer than I thought.  

The Sunday following my last chemo treatment (when I wore my "done" t shirt to church) I met with a couple of church leaders at my home.  I felt strong and my energy level was good. However, later that evening and most of the next day, I suddenly felt completely exhausted, ended up back in my recliner for a good part of the day.       Later in the week I travelled out of state for a business meeting and did well but did feel more tired than I thought I would the next day.  This past Sunday we went out to eat after church with some guest speakers and I felt fine... until I didn't.  I ended up getting in bed by 5 p.m. and staying there till the next morning.     My doctor's visit the beginning of this week provided me some answers, my bloodwork showed that my white blood count and my neutrophils were quite low (those both affect energy levels and the body's ability to fight infection).  My doctor explained that the more chemotherapy you have the longer it takes the body to rebound.  In fact, he said it could take me up to a year to feel back to full strength.  A year, really??

Over the past couple of weeks I've found myself repeating this phrase to myself, "I am not superman."    I think I've always felt that my super power (if I had any) was the ability to keep going no matter how tired I became.  Several people referred to me as the "energizer bunny" as I never seemed to run out of energy.   Suddenly I'm finding that, much as I want to keep going, my batteries seem to run down quickly.   My wife has been telling me that I need to do just one thing (that requires exertion) a day, and I'm beginning to realize she is right.

I had a real shock a few weeks ago.  I felt good one day and thought I would do some push ups. This time about a year ago, I could do 50 push ups in a couple of sets of 25.   When I started to do pushups that day I went down, counted "1,..." and then try as I might (and I gave it everything I had), I could not get a second push up!  I felt mortified.   How could this be?   I knew that the doctor had said that with my 45 pounds of weight loss that I was losing muscle, but I had no idea till that day when I could only get one pushup how much muscle loss I had experienced.

For the first time in my life I can truly relate to the scripture quoted at the beginning of this blog. "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound".  I have experienced both of those.  This "energizer bunny" can't keep going, and going, and going, any more.  Not even close.   "I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need."  I have definitely known true hunger as I lived for 6 weeks on liquids only, with often less than 500 calories a day.   More recently I as I have been able to eat whatever I like, I have known abundance again.   However, I am very aware that this could change at any time and I appreciate the abundance much more than I used to.    But... the only way I am able to face these things with hope is because "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."    I am finally willing to admit that I am NOT superman, but with God's strength I truly can face with confidence whatever life brings my way. As I am learning to accept that I cannot always "power through" yet I find He gives me the ability to do what I really need to do and to understand what matters most at this point in my life.

Not being superman isn't so bad.   Just being a regular old human conscious of my daily need for God's strength in my life is actually a really good place to be.   That in itself is empowering.  I don't have to be the answer to whatever life brings my way, I don't have enough strength for that.  But... He does.   I can do what I need to do in this life, as He makes it possible.    I'm not superman, He is.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my blog.   I pray that it encouraged you.  I will be praying about the direction these will take in the near future.   I appreciate your prayers for God to guide me in that.  I will be praying that you find His strength in the midst of your weakness.

So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone, and struck the Philistine and killed him. But there was no sword in the hand of David. 51 Therefore David ran and stood over the Philistine, took his sword and drew it out of its sheath and killed him, and cut off his head with it.  And when the Philistines saw that their champion was dead, they fled. 52 Now the men of Israel and Judah arose and shouted, and pursued the Philistines as far as the entrance of the valley and to the gates of Ekron. And the wounded of the Philistines fell along the road to Shaaraim, even as far as Gath and Ekron. 53 Then the children of Israel returned from chasing the Philistines, and they plundered their tents. 54 And David took the head of the Philistine and brought it to Jerusalem, but he put his armor in his tent.  I Samuel 17:50-54

I think that many people wait too long to declare victory in their lives.  They want to wait until every problem is resolved, every hurt word corrected, every fine detail ironed out before they celebrate a win in their lives.   They may say that they are being "realists" about their situation but the problem is that total victory is rarely seen or experienced in our lives.  Much more often it is the overcoming of one obstacle on the way to another.   If victory is always something down the road that we are waiting for, the battle can become even bigger in our lives, and the tiredness of the fight can become overwhelming.    We can find ourselves continually waiting for our "breakthrough" or "big break" and missing the opportunities to celebrate.

At my last visit with the oncologist I was hoping that he would give me great birthday news and tell me that I did not need any further rounds of chemotherapy.    However, I was disappointed to hear him say that protocol called for a fourth round (of 5 days).   That day my wife said to me "what's five more days to cut off the head of this giant?"   It took a day or so for that to soak in but as I worked to push past the emotions I was feeling I began to repeat that statement in my mind.   After a couple of delays, as I finally began my last week I was so looking forward to the 5th day and being able to declare victory over my enemy.    

The above scripture reference is from the famous story of David & Goliath.   I love the emphasis made in this passage on the head of Goliath.  It says that the stone David threw killed the giant, but then says again that David killed him and took off his head.  If that wasn't enough these verses tell us that David took the head of Goliath all the way to Jerusalem!   The Israelites did win a great battle over the Philistines that day, but if you are familiar with the time period you know that was not the last time that they fought the Philistines, there were many more battles in their future.   That day, however, was a day worth celebrating, and the decapitated head of Goliath was the exclamation point.

I know that the end of chemotherapy does not mean that it is the end of my journey with cancer.    I will remain under the care of my oncologist for years to come and will have many doctor's visits, bloodwork, CT scans, etc. to make sure that the tumor doesn't rear it's ugly head again.   But... when I reached the 5th day of chemo, I had such a feeling of celebration come over me.  Pictures were taken and posted on Facebook & 200+ likes, 18 shares, and many comments later, people knew that it was a good day!!  A big "DONE" and "God is good" made it's way across the internet as some found out for the first time that I had been sick as I hadn't posted much on social media (besides my blog) through this journey.  In a virtual way I was holding up the head of my giant for the world to see!    That doesn't mean that I won't have to fight any more battles, but it means that by God's grace I've won this one and in the middle of the fight is still a good time to declare victory!

As you go through your journey in life, I encourage you to take time to declare and celebrate victory every chance you get.   Life is hard.  It's exhausting, disappointing, and at times devastating.   I have seen those I love walk through such hard places over the last year as they have lost people dear to them, encountered great struggles with their children, and fought with sickness of various kinds.  It's easy to become weary in the battle and be unable to see anything but the difficulty.    Don't be such a realist that you miss the chances to triumphantly raise the head of your giant even if you are fully aware that there are more battles to be fought. When your child makes the right choice, when you get positive news from a doctor, when you pay off a bill, celebrate victory.    I believe that the more that you declare victory the more you will experience it. This doesn't mean that the battle isn't real and the journey doesn't have more obstacles, it just means that your focus is not on the struggle, it's on overcoming.

As I raise the head of my giant through this blog I do want to say thank you to SO MANY who have prayed, supported, and shown such love to me at this time.   Even the fact that you are taking time to read this blog is so incredible to me.   I want to say that this victory I'm celebrating is OUR victory as you have walked through this journey with me.  The below picture was taken at the beginning of my chemotherapy treatment.  It's amazing to me how far God has brought me over the last 3 months.   I can't WAIT to be at church this coming Sunday so we can all rejoice together!    I'm so pleased to be able to celebrate all He has done and carry my giant's head back to Jerusalem for all the world to see!

And it came to pass, when all the people had completely crossed over the Jordan, that the Lord spoke to Joshua, saying: 2 “Take for yourselves twelve men from the people, one man from every tribe, 3 and command them, saying, ‘Take for yourselves twelve stones from here, out of the midst of the Jordan, from the place where the priests’ feet stood firm. You shall carry them over with you and leave them in the lodging place where you lodge tonight.’ ”  4 Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; 5 and Joshua said to them: “Cross over before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, 6 that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ 7 Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever.”  Joshua 4:1-7

I can report that after being delayed twice over the last two weeks my bloodwork FINALLY improved sufficiently to begin my 4th (and hopefully final) 5 day round of of chemo, starting today!!  I'm not looking forward to how the chemo will make my body feel but I'm really glad to get this out of the way and am hopeful that this is the last treatment I will need!   I want to update you in this blog as to where I'm at both in my treatment and in my mindset.  I have tried to be very honest through this journey with the hopes that as I share my struggles it helps someone else with theirs.

It's silly, but I really fought discouragement starting a week ago when my bloodwork came back low for the second week in a row.  I was frustrated with the delay because 5 days of chemo is followed by another 7-10 days of isolation (because of the compromised immune system) and after feeling so much better I have been anxious to get on with my life!!   On top of that I was worried that it was taking my body longer than it had previously to recuperate. During this past week I realized that the fuzz that had started to grow back on my head had gone away, so I could tell that the side effects from the chemo were still impacting my body.  I think that it does take the body longer to rebound the more chemo is put in it, but I'm also guessing I hadn't helped my body restore itself over the previous two weeks by spending energy going to youth camp, being at church, on top of helping to tear down the church playground (we're getting a new one) and the ceremonial fire-pit burning of said playground wood the following evening!   I just had been feeling better and wanted to get on with life!!

So... I decided last week after my lackluster bloodwork results that I would do all I could to "lay low."  And I went all in with that.   I stayed home every day, and took naps whenever I needed them (sometimes I slept for an hour or two at time).   I laid out of everything I possibly could.  I didn't go to our church weeknight service (even though we had a guest speaker) and stayed home Sunday morning (that was hard to miss) and furthermore I skipped all 4th of July family activities over this past weekend.    I was thankful that my girls got to spend a day and a night at the lake with family, but I stayed away from it all, hopeful that by doing so my body would get stronger and I could start my treatment as scheduled this week.  

Last night as I prayed before going to bed I really didn't know what to pray and I told God that.   No matter what happened today I was not going to be thrilled because either I was going to get another delay on the treatment I didn't want to have or I was going to start that dreaded treatment.  I have wrestled more this week in prayer than I think I have all along.  Just sitting and waiting is hard for me, and I have had much more "quiet time" this week than usual.  I have felt such impatience with getting this last round of chemo (that I didn't want) and that has prompted some frustrated prayers.   I have truly been accepting of the process I've had to go through even though I knew God was able to heal me without me needing any treatment.    Why He chose not to I don't fully know.  I know that I have learned some important lessons this year that I am determined not to lose sight of as I move forward, but if given a choice I would have preferred to have learned those lessons a different way (wouldn't we all)!   What I continue to hold onto is that He is good and He will make sure that all things we walk through work together for our good (Rom. 8:28).    

But having said all of that, today is a monumental day.   My bloodwork results were FINALLY all good and today, July 6th, begins the last week of my final week of chemo.   And... like the people of Israel who piled up huge boulders after they crossed the Jordan river into the promised land to be a memorial to generations after them, I want to mark down this day.   July 5, 1990 (another milestone day) was when I fully gave my heart to following Christ.  I had a vision of Jesus that day and He showed me how I had hurt him with my anger.  It broke my heart and I committed to serve Him for the rest of my life.   Today, almost 31 years later to the day from that milestone, I drove myself to the cancer center in Bristol, VA while listening over and over to the same song (I Have A Savior by CeCe Winans) we listened to when Cherish drove me the first day of chemo treatment.   The chorus of that song says "All I ever need is Jesus," I continue to find that to be so true.   I have come such a long way (and have gained back over 20 pounds) since that first day of treatment (April 12) almost 3 months ago.   And now that my last week has begun I will choose to focus my heart and mind on the good God has done in my life rather than dwelling on the things I would like to have been different.   I truly have SO MUCH to be grateful for and there is honestly no room for whining!   I will remember this date and will make up my mind to trust Him with tomorrow, the weeks, and months to come no matter what it brings,   I am human, I do get down at times but I don't have an excuse to stay that way, God has been too good to me!  I have learned some things about myself that I will continue to work on, I've learned that uncertainty & waiting is hard for me.   With God's strength I will do better with handling those things in the future and learn to be more flexible, remembering that nothing is certain except taxes, death, and... Heaven!

Thank you for your continued prayers and for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts today.   I'm very grateful for all the love and support and as I move into a different phase after this week I will continue to not only keep you updated on my health but will also share other things in my journey as I go through whatever life continues to bring my way.

May God bless you greatly today.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.”  Luke 4:18-19

Jesus answered and said to them, “Go and tell John the things you have seen and heard: that the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, the poor have the gospel preached to them.  Luke 7:22

I was going to wait till tomorrow to write this week's blog.    Tomorrow I have my next scheduled visit at the doctor and will find out if my bloodwork is good enough to start my last 5 days of chemo.   It's been put off each week of the last two and I wanted to wait to write another blog till I knew what my status was.    But... the last couple of days, as we have celebrated America's birthday, the subject of freedom has been on my mind.   As most of you know, America is not the country of my birth, England is.   The Fourth of July always brings a smile to my face as I think of the celebration of the fight for freedom by the country of my adoption over the country of my birth.   However, I am very happy to identify with the great nation of America, so much so that last week I FINALLY mailed my application for citizenship (along with the fee) so that after over 35 years of living as a "resident alien" I can finally become a permanent citizen of this wonderful country!!!  

I love the quote from Luke 4 (above) which is taken from Jesus first sermon He preached.   In this passage He "proclaims" liberty to the captives and then "sets" at liberty the oppressed.   He also "proclaims the acceptable year of the Lord."  This refers to the Jewish "year of Jubilee" which can be translated a "year of liberation."    This was Christ's message and His mission statement.  In Luke 7, He refers back to that message in showing evidence to John the Baptist (who was in prison and about to lose his head).  He declared that whether or not He was fulfilling His message of freedom was proof that He was who John had proclaimed Him to be.   Christ brought freedom throughout His ministry in the form of healing those afflicted with sickness or injury and loosing those bound by evil spirits, but He provided eternal freedom by giving His life on the cross and rising again three days later victorious over the chains of death.

I believe there is a desire for freedom put in each of our hearts by God from conception.   There is a natural resistance within each of us against outside oppression of any kind whether that comes from a government, control imposed by specific people in our lives, or bondage to an addiction that seeks to dominate us.   But, should the fight for freedom be primarily about me or about something much bigger?  It appears through history that those who fought the hardest for freedom may not necessarily have experienced much of it themselves.  Many of them chose to live free, even if that shortened their life, rather than live a longer life in bondage.

Those who signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776 had much to lose in their stand for freedom.  Most of them were personally wealthy and had substantial property.  It would have been much safer for them to remain silent and watch from the sidelines.  John Hancock (the largest signature on the document) was one of the richest men in America and suddenly he had a high price on his head.    Each signer became a specific target of England "none who had property or family was spared.  Most lived to see their families killed or separated forever and their property sacked.  Nine signers died of wounds or hardships during the war.  Many died in poverty (www.libertymagazine.org/article/the-cost-of-freedom)."   I think also of the men & women of our military who have given their lives defending the freedom of so many that they never knew.    They paid the ultimate price that they may live free of the oppression of others and doing all they could to pave the way to freedom for others as well.   The founding fathers were not perfect in their pursuit of freedom as the evil of slavery remained in this nation for more than a hundred years afterwards, but the constitution they created (and the ongoing stand for liberty throughout the generations) increasingly brought more freedom as time passed.   This nation is not perfect, but it remains one of the freest nations in the world, and in many ways is more free now that it was when it began.  It's true as Albert Einstein said that freedom "is only possible by constantly struggling for it."  Our responsibility is to do what we can in our time and generation to provide more freedom for others.

In your cry for freedom what is the bigger picture?  As I have walked through my journey to freedom from cancer this year I ultimately want to do more than just get over this disease and go about my life doing whatever it is I want to do.  I think that is the big lesson that I am still struggling to learn.   I believe the greatest motivation to fight for freedom from sickness, addictions, anxiety, and life's struggles of various kinds is not just for the individual themselves but for those who's lives they can impact and need them to be free.   If I'm honest, there is still a big part of my thinking that wants to put this cancer behind me so that I can do just what I want to do with my life.  That is not freedom, that is selfishness.  I don't want to be guilty of that as I continue to ask God for my physical healing.    I must do all I can to make sure that the lessons I have learned during this time (that I have talked about in my blogs) will not go to the wayside once I am back to full strength.  

To bring real liberty, my personal journey to freedom must be about others much more than about myself.   To live my life in a way that brings the freedom Christ paid for to my daughters, the community in which I live, and to whatever people and places God has given me a voice.  At this moment, I have not been asked to stake my personal finances and life on the fight for freedom for others but if it one day comes to that I pray that I will have the courage to do what the founding fathers did, and so many more after them.   As our ultimate example, Christ proclaimed and paid the price for freedom for a mankind that may or may not accept the freedom that He purchased.   So I believe the freedom we fight for must first and foremost please the One who paid the price for the greatest liberty of all, freedom from the penalty of sin and death.

So... as another "Independence Day" comes and goes, I encourage you to fight for freedom in your own life in a way that honors Christ.  But, don't just desire freedom for your own benefit, keep your eye on the bigger picture.   There are many lives affected by the life that you live, let it be your desire to live in a way that brings freedom to others even more than it does for yourself.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog, please continue to pray for me as I pray for you and that freedom may continue to ring in our lives.  God bless.

Now when the people saw that Moses delayed coming down from the mountain, the people gathered together to Aaron, and said to him, “Come, make us gods that shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.” And Aaron said to them, “Break off the golden earrings which are in the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters, and bring them to me.” So all the people broke off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them to Aaron. And he received the gold from their hand, and he fashioned it with an engraving tool, and made a molded calf.  Then they said, “This is your god, O Israel, that brought you out of the land of Egypt!”  Exodus 32:1-4

The picture above was taken when in the doctor's office this past week.  Before I get into updating you on my recent health news I wanted to share what has given me the ability to stay positive through this journey.  It has not just been my strength of will as I am sure that would have failed but it has been my image of who God really is.   I have recently been reading a study by A.W. Tozer called "The Attributes of God."   In fact, I plan to preach a sermon series on the subject at church starting very soon.  God's "attributes" refer to the character of God and the things that are unchanging (according to the Bible) about who He is.   Things like His goodness, love, omnipotence (all powerful), omnipresence (everywhere at once), omniscience (all knowing) as well as less fun things like His holiness and judgment.   As A.W. Tozer says "what comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us."  I believe one of the main problems we have in our lives, and how we deal with our struggles, is we don't really know how God defines Himself, so we create an image of Him (much like the Israelites did in the wilderness with the golden calf) and then when He doesn't match up to our image of who He is we can lose faith.   It can be very traumatic when what we thought God to be ends up being very different from our experience.

One of God's attributes, His goodness, has spoken to me very loudly over the last 6 months or so.   Two days before this past Christmas a family in our church, who those at our church are all very close to, tragically lost their 12 year old son in a devastating accident.    It was one of the most emotionally overwhelming experiences I have ever been through.  At that time God led me to Lamentations 3 where the Prophet Jeremiah lists all the terrible things going on with Israel at the time (it was a really bad time for his nation) yet in the middle of tremendous heartache and devastation he declared that "the Lord is good."    I began to speak about God's goodness at that time of great loss and continued to do so as my body got increasingly sick ultimately leading to the diagnosis of cancer.   I believe it is being convinced of God's goodness that has brought me hope during this trying time.  I have truly never once thought that God had afflicted me, abandoned me, or forgotten me.  He is good, so He is incapable of doing those things.   That doesn't mean what happened to me (or any of us) is good, but it means that His thoughts and actions towards me are good.   I have been sure that good would be the end result, even if that meant the end of this life, good would somehow come.    

As I write this I know that there are some who will read this who have experienced terrible pain and trauma in their life, much more than I have gone through, and after such experiences it can be hard to believe in God's goodness.   So... we tend to create God in our image.   We sometimes see God as one who changes towards certain people, we either think we can earn His favor in our lives if we behave a certain way or we decide that if He exists He was unwilling, or incapable to help us at our time of need.   However, as we grow in understanding His "attributes" we are closer to knowing Who God is according to how He defines Himself rather than how we define Him.    

This was on my my mind after I met with the doctor on my 48th birthday this past week.   I happened to view my last CT Scan through the app on my phone just before I went in to meet with him and it looked really good!    There were only 2 places identified on the scan (where previously there had been 4) and both were listed as "mild."  I was excited to see evidence that the treatment was working and that so many of your prayers were being answered.  I was feeling even more hopeful that the doctor would give me great birthday news and say "you are all clear, no more treatment needed."   Unfortunately, although he agreed that the scan was really good, and he said it did not look like I would need surgery (all really good news), he also said that according to treatment protocol I needed to have a 4th week of chemo.   He had spoken to the doctor at Duke Hospital and he had agreed with him.   I told him I was really hoping to not need any more chemo as I was feeling so good and the scan was so positive, but he insisted that another week of chemo was necessary.    As good as the news was from the visit, I found myself fighting discouragement as all I could think of was another week of treatment, followed by a week of fatigue and having to be "social distanced" from people I love for up to 2 weeks after my last day of chemo.  I sensed at the time I was being short sighted but I couldn't shake right away the discouragement I felt.     On top of it all I had prayed for a "birthday miracle," that no more chemo would be needed.   My prayer had not been answered as I had hoped.    

As I mentally processed what had happened and began to prepare myself for another dreaded week of chemo my mind went back to the goodness of God.    I began to remind myself that God is good all the time.  He did not have a "bad day" and not feel like answering my prayer as I had asked, He was not angry or neglectful of me.   He is still Who He is and therefore I can trust Him through whatever life brings me.   So... with His grace I will face another week of treatment asking for Him to somehow use me through this for His glory.   Maybe this final week of chemo will, as my wife Cherish told me, "cut off the head of my giant."  Or, perhaps there is someone I will encounter next week that needs some encouragement that I can give them and if I stayed discouraged I would miss that opportunity.    Whatever the reason, I KNOW that God is good so I can trust Him to be with me and for me through it all.   This is truly the source of my strength.   It's not just having a "positive attitude" because if I had to rely on my ability alone I would have capsized in my emotions long before now.    I am not not saying I have God figured out.  I'm continuing to grow through this time in an understanding of Who God really is, not how I have created Him to be, and I'm finding it is truly inspiring to me.    It is my prayer that through the prayers that you pray and the scriptures that you read that you will endeavor to do the same thing.   Throw out the "golden calf" of any pre-conceived notions of God's character and let Him show you who He is for Himself.   It's refreshing, powerful, and it will give you hope.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog.    I am hopeful that it has blessed you. If so please share it with others.   God bless.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

This past week was VERY different for me.  So different that it delayed me getting this blog out as early as usual.   During the time of my chemotherapy treatment I have pretty much avoided contact with people, in fact it has felt very much like the social distancing that began March of 2020 never really ended for me.  I stayed separated from people early on because I simply didn't have the strength to go anywhere and since the middle of April when I began chemotherapy treatment because it weakened my immune system making me a lot more vulnerable to any contagious bug traveling around.   All of that changed this past week.

On Monday, even though I was still within the 7-10 day high risk period after my last chemo treatment, I traveled to a neighboring town to do an in person group meeting with about 30 employees with a client that I have taken care of for 25+ years.    Following a discussion with my wife, I was cautious.   I wore a mask when close to people, and fist bumped rather than shaking hands.    It felt SO good to be around people I have known for so long, most of whom I hadn't seen for 2 years, (we didn't meet last year because of the pandemic).    

I definitely felt an adrenaline rush that night after being able to be out with people and decided that I wanted to start working on rebuilding my muscles that my doctor had said would have been depleted by the rapid weight loss from earlier in the year.  I honestly didn't realize how much muscle I had lost until I started to do push-ups that night.   This time last year I was doing 50+ push-ups in 2 or 3 sets.   Monday night, try with all of my might, I could only manage ONE push up!   I was blown away, I guess I have lost a LOT more muscle than I thought!

As the week continued, this past week began our summer youth camp which I have directed every year since it started going back to 1999, (this was our 23rd year).  On the night before it started I led the staff meeting as we prepared for another year of camp.  At that point I didn't know how much, or if, I'd be able to at camp.  We named an assistant director and I told them I would play it by ear.  However, because the youth camp was outside I felt safer being around people, but still was cautious, no handshakes or hugs.  I ended up coming every morning for the counselor breakfast meeting and was back every night for the evening service, and spent most of the day there on Saturday (the campground is only 10 minutes from my house).

I am so grateful for all the prayers (and answers to prayers) that made this week possible.   One of my favorite verses is Psalm 37:4.  I believe that the more that we "delight ourselves in the Lord" the more He gives us the desires He wants us to have and then He finds a way to fulfill those desires He gave to us.  I feel very much that me being able to be at our Youth Camp was a gift from God and the fulfilling of a desire that He put in my heart. It was an awesome week, getting to see young people enjoy spending time together and getting closer to God is still one of the most inspiring things in my life.  And this year my two oldest girls were campers.  I am SO GRATEFUL I got to be there as much as I did!!

And then... the icing on the cake, I was at church this morning (now two weeks in a row) and got to preach on Father's Day!   I stayed around after service and actually talked with people, (although I stayed clear of hugs for now).   I am definitely more of an extrovert than an introvert and being around people has felt invigorating to me.   It has been amazing but it also has felt surreal.   Almost like I've been in an alternate universe.   I kept feeling like I had to pinch myself to see if I was actually there.   And... although I'm not paranoid, I do feel a weight of concern that perhaps I have done too much too soon and will regret it if I get sick.   So far, I feel great and have not picked up any bugs of any kind, praying that continues although I am now out of the 7-10 day high risk window.  

This coming week I have an appointment with my oncologist.  He is going to review the results of a CT scan and Pulmonary test I had done this past week to determine if I need another round of chemo or if the cancer has shrunk sufficiently to not need any further treatment.  Just so happens that the appointment is on my birthday and of course I am praying for great birthday news, that he will tell me that chemo is done!!  I feel so much stronger physically than I was even a month ago, but I am also very aware that I have a long way to go.   Even if, as I am praying, my doctor doesn't recommend any further chemo I still get tired (had to take a nap every day this week) and obviously am going to have to really focus on rebuilding the muscle I have lost.    The journey from weakness to strength may be as long as I have gone so far (6 months) and in the meantime at the very least I will have ongoing scans and doctor's visits to make sure the cancer has not begun growing again.   So... even if I have the best birthday news, I will not be back to my former strength for a good while to come.

Besides all of this I am hopeful that the God that has strengthened me so far will continue to be the strength that I need.  With His ability I will seek to rebuild the strength I have lost without losing track of the important lessons I have learned.   And... if I get the news I DON'T want this coming Tuesday (more chemo), I will continue to trust Him with my journey knowing that He has brought me this far and He's not going to leave me now.

In the meantime I will continue to let my mind absorb this very different week that I had.  I'm very grateful for the ability to be around people that mean a lot to me from business, to church, to family.   I will seek to "boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me" and trust that being open about my weakness will help encourage someone else in theirs.    I am still in a place of uncertainty and consider that a gift to keep me focusing on what is important but not urgent in my life.   I am thankful to a God that gives us "the desires of our heart" but know that His timing and method is often different from mine.   Learning to wait is still a big part of my journey as well.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog.  I hope that it is helpful to you somehow in your journey.   I will put out another blog in a few days to update you on what happens after my doctor's visit.   Please be praying for good birthday news, but whatever happens I trust God to lead me through!  God bless.

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.  Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.”  James 4:13-15

Uncertainty is a problem for me.  I have talked already about how I am a planner and a scheduler.    For years I have seen time as the great equalizer.   Rich or poor, talented or not, and regardless of our education we all have the same amount of time in the day and the more that we can accomplish in a day the more successful we become.  This involves planning ahead so that some tasks can be combined within the same time frame.  Focusing on managing time has enabled me to pack more into my life, finding ways to juggle work, home, and church commitments.  Planning has also helped me to cut some things that I knew I didn't have time for, such as hobbies that I would like to pursue or sports seasons that I would like to follow.  I have often said that I don't have any hobbies, don't have time for them.

All of this is dependent on life being predictable.  Uncertainty is the enemy of planning.   Until January this year, besides minor allergies and occasional bugs, I had been blessed with great health, not just for me but for our whole family.   All of that changed in January.   Suddenly I found that not only could I not plan for a year down the road, the next week, even the next day became uncertain.   I didn't know if I would feel physically capable tomorrow of what I what I could do today.  Overnight what was predictable in my world became uncertain.  Early on in my sickness I was so weak that even walking across the room would tire me out. In some ways the uncertainty then was easier to handle.  At that time I was physically so limited that everything was overwhelming to me.   For instance, I tried for over three weeks to find the energy to make a phone call to the bank to work on the process for a loan but eventually made the decision to not move forward with purchasing a house because I honestly did not have the energy to speak to the loan officer.  So much of my life in the months of February through April came to a grinding halt as I simply didn't have the strength to do very much but try to survive the cancer that was draining the life out of my body.

Then by the end of April, following my first week of chemo things began to turn around. Although still not at full strength I began to feel more like myself, and then the planner part of me wanted to start kicking in.  I found myself frustrated recently when chemo got delayed because it forced me to change some other plans.  But, I'm beginning to realize that however I feel, my life for the foreseeable future,  is going to remain in limbo.    I finished my 3rd round of chemo this past Monday.  This coming week I have a CT scan to determine our next steps.  Just so happens that my next visit with the oncologist is on my birthday, so I am full of faith and hope that I will receive GREAT birthday news and be able to announce that I am through with chemo! If that happens it will be an amazing day and please be praying with me for that.  However, should that happen the uncertainty is not over.  At the very least I will need ongoing scans and doctor visits over the next 5 years to keep a check on things, at any time a scan has the potential to change my world again and throw a huge wrench in my plans.    What is beginning to settle into my mind is that this planner must get used to uncertainty and that is not sitting well with me.  

Although this is a problem for me I am beginning to realize that my predictable life really has never been as planned out as I thought it was.  As I look back over the last few years I see many things that happened that I didn't expect.   Changing work situations, raising children, moving into different ministry roles, have been huge changes that I didn't anticipate.  In March of 2020 when the pandemic hit, all of our worlds were thrown up in the air, and we had to deal with not only health concerns but government restrictions which impacted everything we did from work, to church, to eating restaurant food.   Looking back over the last 20 years of my life I see that as much as I thought I was in control of my schedule, my planning was at best an educated guess.   This doesn't set well with me but it is a very important revelation.    It's a revelation, that I'm only beginning to realize, God has been trying to get through to me for a long time.  

It is the uncertainty of life that Jesus is referring to in Matthew 6:34 when He says "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."   It's what the book of James is referring to when he says not to plan for tomorrow for we don't even know what is going to happen, but "instead say if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that."  I am finally beginning to see, although it is still very difficult for me to accept, that uncertainty is what should be expected in life.   Learning to live more in the moment and focus as much as possible on the things that are "important but not urgent" will make our lives richer and more rewarding.  Knowing that plans can and will change and that tomorrow is legitimately not guaranteed helps us to keep in our mind the things that really matter the most.  Uncertainty helps me to remember that just packing as many chores into a day as possible is not the most important thing in life.

And so as I write this blog I can actually see that the ongoing uncertainty of my health condition is a gift from God to keep my life priorities as they should be and I believe will result in better, more healthy relationships with my family, church, and others that God has put in my life.   With God's help (and it will take His strength) this planner is going to embrace uncertainty as James 4 and Matthew 6 directs us to do and in so doing will make my life and the life of those around me richer.   Ultimately I want to live with an eye on eternity and allow the unpredictability of life to help me focus on things that one day when I'm in Heaven I'll be glad I did rather than just packing my planner full of things that only mattered at the time.

Thank you so much for taking time to read this blog.  I pray that it has blessed you. If so, please comment and share.   I am now going to continue on with my day to see what happens, because I truly don't have anything planned for the rest of my day.  Maybe if I quit trying to pack so much into a day I'll discover I actually have time to develop a new hobby.  It's a new world for me but I'm excited to see what happens next!

But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.  For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Since you were precious in My sight, You have been honored, And I have loved you;   Isaiah 43:1-4

My wife (Cherish) posted on Facebook this past Tuesday the above picture of me as I started my third round of chemo treatment.  Wearing my superman t-shirt I was feeling pretty good at the time.  She made the statement that "it feels like we were shoved on a roller coaster ride we didn't want to take... we have complete faith that God will bring us through this but the new perspective takes a little time to get use to."   When I read her post that day, I didn't realize how prophetic she was actually being.   See... the previous couple of weeks I had felt SO MUCH better.   Things were coming back to me.  I was back to eating anything I wanted, gaining weight, feeling more energized, I had been able to be at church two Sundays in a row and got to preach on Pentecost Sunday, I even mowed my own yard this past Saturday.  When I went to get bloodwork done this past Tuesday morning my white blood count was the best it had been in a month (a big improvement from the previous week) and my iron had much improved as well.   I'm grateful for that answer to prayer as I know many of you were praying for those two specific things.

Something else that was a really big deal happened in the past couple of weeks, I had discovered that I could sleep in my own bed again.  Due to various pains in my body making it uncomfortable to lie down and a struggle with reflux I had slept in the recliner in my basement den for more than four months.  What was so touching was the first night that I slept in the bed was the night before our 18th anniversary, we woke up on our anniversary morning, holding hands, it was such a precious moment.   I proceeded to sleep the next 2 weeks straight in my bed.  It felt heavenly.    I was really beginning to feel that we had this thing licked and that it was just a short time when it would all be over.  

I don't think I was ultimately wrong in my thinking as I am MUCH better off than I was even a month ago.  However, on Tuesday morning when I headed down to what my Mom calls "the torture chamber" to begin another week of chemo, I did not have the foresight my wife did as to the roller coaster ride this week was going to be. Tuesday I felt tired after treatment but not too bad.  On Wednesday night I came home, took a nap, and felt good again.  That evening Kevin & Pamela from our church came over and brought the famous Pizza Hut Pizza I had been wanting. It was another epic moment.  I ate three slices of stuffed crust pepperoni pizza and then some ice cream.   All was right with the world.   However, that night, I went to bed as usual but... at 3:00 in the morning I woke up tasting some reflux in my mouth and feeling slightly nauseous (I don't blame the pizza for that, I blame the chemo).  I suddenly found myself spending the rest of the night back in my recliner.  It's probably silly but that felt like a huge blow to me.   After sleeping two weeks in my bed, going back to the recliner felt like a massive step backwards to me.   All of a sudden I felt the exciting ride I had been on was changing.  It was discouraging.  

Thursday morning I got up early and was looking forward to getting to sing at the Thursday morning staff meeting at the cancer center, you may remember that last time Sonya and I sang "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone."  This time we were planning to sing "Cornerstone" which uses the verses of the old hymn "On Christ The Solid Rock I Stand" with a newly written chorus.   However when I got to the cancer center that morning I discovered that the staff meeting had been cancelled that day, so Sonya and I had to miss our opportunity to hopefully be a blessing to the staff and patients, which was also disappointing.  Depending on whether I have a 4th week of chemo or not, we may not have the chance to sing at that staff meeting again.

When I got home Thursday evening I felt pretty bloated from the chemo and already sensed it was going to be a full night in the recliner that night.   My precious wife slept on the couch near to me all night, she obviously felt my discouragement, she has been AMAZING and has been on this journey every step of the way with me, I am SO grateful for her.  As I type this it is late on Friday evening, I am sitting in that same recliner, preparing for another night not laying next to my wife, not in my own bed.   I definitely don't feel as close to having this thing licked as I did just 4 days ago... and because this week was a short week due to Monday being a holiday I have to go in for one more day of chemo this coming Monday.   I have by no means lost hope, and my confidence is still in the goodness and mercy of God, but I just don't feel the same "pep in my step" that I did a few days ago.   It simply has not been a fun week, which in retrospect I should have been prepared for more than I was. Instead of things coming back to me, this week I feel like I've lost just a little (although I am confident they will be regained).  I'm just on a different part of this roller coaster ride than I was a week ago.

Earlier tonight, in the midst of all this going on in my mind, we watched a family movie together.  After it was over, my 5 year old (Esther) gave me a note that she hadn't written (because she can't write yet) but Cherish had written down word for word, here is an excerpt from it: "this is all my family, I love you because you watch a show with us, I hope daddy feels better... kisses, kisses, hug, hug... I hope we can go to the beach soon.... I hope daddy goes to the pool some days, I hope we don't watch scary movies, I hope we don't eat candy that isn't good for our body".   The love and simplicity of her note so touched my heart as she watched me read it and then gave me a big hug.   There's a reason why the Bible said for us to come to Christ we must come as a little child.   Little Esther obviously senses that all is not ok with her daddy but in her simple way she is confident that it will be and that trips to the beach, the pool, more (not scary) movies are still to come, and somewhere there is some healthy candy out there.    The roller coaster is not as discouraging for her.

As I began this week thinking about what I was going to say, this was definitely not the blog entry I was originally intending to write.  But I have discovered that sharing the disappointment and frustration is just as important as sharing the faith and hope, for they are really intertwined into the journey.  I have called this journey "unexpected" and "long" but it truly is also a "roller coaster" and just as I know your life has it's ups and downs too, we can learn from the moments we want to throw our arms in the air with excitement and the times we feel the need to grip tightly to our seat, close our eyes, grit our teeth and just hold on.  The scripture in Isaiah quoted at the beginning of this blog states "fear not... I will be with you" in the waters and in the fire, and "I have loved you."    I am being reminded once again in the middle of this crazy experience that God didn't promise us a smooth road, He really promised us more of a roller coaster, BUT He said He would be with us through it all because He loves us.    The chorus to the song I had hoped to sing at the cancer center this week says: "Christ alone, Cornerstone, Weak made strong, In the Savior's love, Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all".  I am reminded again tonight that no matter how good I may feel one day and think that I can conquer the world (in my superman shirt), it's just as likely that the next day I'm going to find that I need His strength "to be made perfect in my weakness."   You would think that after 5 months of this journey I would be more prepared for that but perhaps feeling SO GOOD for the last couple of weeks set me up for a discouragement I didn't see coming, even though my wife apparently did.

So, what am I going to do?  I'm going to trust in the God that said He would be with me and admit my weakness so He can give me His strength.   And... I'm going to try to learn from my 5 year old daughter and ask Him to help me to be a little more childlike in my faith.  Over the next couple of days as the chemo soaks into my body and I quite possibly have a few days of feeling rough, I know that I am safe in His hands, the best is yet to come, and with God's strength this cancer WILL be licked and it will eventually be in the rear view mirror of my life.   Regardless of what happens with my current struggle, I know the roller coaster journey of life doesn't go away, but neither does the One who tells me not to fear for He is with me.   And... I am thankful that nights spent in the recliner will be temporary and few.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog entry.  I pray that it has encouraged you in your roller coaster ride of life.   If so please comment and share it with others.   No matter what tomorrow brings, we do not need to face it alone, we can "fear not" for He is with us.  God bless.

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!  Psalm 27:14

I hate waiting.  I don't like waiting in line at a store or drive through, getting stuck behind a slow driver on a road where I can't pass, I don't like waiting more than 2 days for an amazon.com purchase to arrive, and I especially don't like having to wait to make plans for what I want to do with my life!   However, there is apparently a great blessing in patiently waiting for God's timing in our lives, and looking back through the blogs I have written I see that this is the second title with the word "wait" in it and my references to this being a long journey also imply waiting.  It seems that God has been trying to teach me to wait throughout this entire process.  Despite that I am admittedly still struggling with this four letter word, WAIT.

When I went to the doctor this past Monday I was feeling the best I had felt all along, and coming on the heels of FINALLY getting to physically preach at church, and being able to do so without having to sit on a stool, I felt ready to get what was hopefully going to be my last week of chemo out of the way and then get on with life!!   I told my oncologist I was feeling a lot stronger and how the gastroenterologist had taken me off my stomach prescriptions.   He said that's wonderful, however, "your white blood count is too low to do chemo this week."  He turned his computer around and showed a graph of how my last chemo treatment had knocked down my white blood cells and although they were coming up he said it wouldn't be safe to hit me with a week of chemo this week.  I was floored.   I had already been planning out what I could do 10 days after my week of chemo (10 days is the time period the immune system is the weakest after the last day of chemotherapy) and pushing my treatment back a week was messing with my schedule!!    The doctor did say he wanted to schedule a CT scan before I had any further treatment after the next week to see if the cancer has either gone or shrunk sufficiently to not need any additional treatment.  I was glad to hear that but I still felt frustrated by the delay.   As I have said before I'm a planner and this was messing with my plans!

So... I came back home after my Monday appointment and tried to figure out what to do with my week.  I was able to move some things at work that were scheduled for the following week to this week but I still felt frustrated.  It was then that the voice of God began to speak to my heart and remind me that my timing was often not the same as His and that I STILL had much to learn about living day by day and not planning so many details for the future as if I really knew what was going to happen!!   The importance of the "sabbath" came back to mind again and even though keeping it as a weekly day of rest is one of the 10 commandments I still find myself struggling to honor it.    So.. with God's help, I took a deep breath and began to pray about what it meant to really "wait for God."  

As I prayed, one of the first things that came to mind was something that I had shared with my congregation on Sunday.   Steve Covey wrote a book years ago called "7 Habits of Highly Effective People."  Habit 3 is "put first things first."  He identifies four quadrants of how we spend our time:  Urgent & important; urgent and not important; not important and not urgent; and important but not urgent.   It is the last category that we tend to overlook the most.  Things we know are important but are not urgent like spending time with family, working on a hobby, pursuing additional training in our field, learning an instrument, reading a book.   With some time on my hands I began to make a list of things that were "important but not urgent" that I had overlooked in my life.    I was ashamed to see some of things that contributed to that list, things like: 1) get my citizenship (I've lived in the US over 35 years and still just have a green card); 2) write a book (I've been wanting to do that since I was a teenager); 3) Play the piano (I've even taken lessons on that but not followed through); 4) Go on bike rides with my family (we have the best bikes but probably haven't ridden together more than twice in the last 3 years).   In general I began to realize that I was filling so much of every day with pressing things at work or church but wasn't taking time for other important things that I could put off to another day.   I am also beginning to understand more that my children don't need me just be there for scheduled events (I'm good at those) but they need me to be around them on a regular basis when there is nothing planned and I'm just "there" with them.  That's how the best memories and conversations happen, when they are not planned but just organically happen in the moment.  I know much of this in my head but I believe that through this time in my life God is trying to get it through to my heart.   A wise woman shared with me recently that she had always prayed when she came through a serious struggle in her life that God would "refine her calling" and that she would not go back to the way she was before but would have learned something through the hard place that caused her to face life in a different way.  

I am seeing that one of the main lessons I need to learn through this long journey I have been on is to see the value of waiting, in just "being," and learning to spend time on things that are not urgent but are very important.    I've heard it said that "no one on their death bed says they wished they had spent more time at the office".   I don't want to live my life focusing all my energy on being very productive in ways that don't really matter to those I love the most.   I remember reading in my textbook for my ministerial ethics class that for the children of a pastor if he is gone every night with meetings and visitation to his kids he might as well be at the bar every night, to them it is the same, he is not THERE.    I want to truly learn to live more in the moment, day by day, and value the time spent waiting without trying to fill with more scheduled things, and understand that the delays are part of God's plan too.  I can't say it will be easy for me, as I have been a workaholic for most of my life but I believe I am truly understanding the importance of it now, and with God's help I will come out of this journey of cancer having changed my priorities in life and in turn it will become more full and meaningful both to me and to those closest to me.   Please pray for me that I can change in this way and I will pray that God will strengthen you in your areas of weakness as well.

I do appreciate your prayers as I (hopefully) have my 3rd week of chemo next week.   I'm not looking forward to how it hits my body, but I will be glad to have it behind me.   But... if for some reason it is delayed again, with God's help I will accept it and find value in what the days bring regardless.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this week's blog.    I'm so humbled and honored by so many that take their time to read it each week. If this has blessed you please comment and share.    God bless.

And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being.  Genesis 2:7

Thus says the Lord God to these bones:  "Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live.  I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live.  Then you shall know that I am the Lord". Ezekiel 37:5-6

Of all the weeks since this journey began back in January this has been my best week!!  I have felt more "normal" than I have felt for months and am finally feeling like this cancer is being defeated and I can't WAIT to put it behind me and move on to what comes next in life!!   As I take you through this past week I also want to share something about God's breath of life on which I have been pondering the last few days.

The positive start to the week actually began early with the eating of the massive Pal's cheeseburger on Saturday.  I think most have seen the video on it by now, but if not let me know and I'll send it to you.   I didn't eat the whole 1,500 calorie burger in one sitting, I ate half for lunch and half for supper, but I did eat it all that day and it went down just fine!!   I was feeling so good on Sunday that I got myself dressed and ready to go to church but at the last minute changed my mind as I was still within the "danger zone" of low immunity from the previous week's chemo treatments.   I AM planning to be at church THIS Sunday though!!   As the week progressed I continued to feel stronger, I have found that I have a lot more energy and am able to walk around the house and yard without getting fatigued, it has felt so GOOD!!  On Tuesday I had bloodwork done which came back good (no blood transfusion needed this week).   As the week moved towards Thursday I had two doctor's appointments that I was feeling hopeful about.

On Thursday morning I had an appointment with the Gastroenterologist that I had seen early on when I had my stomach scope (back at the beginning when we thought I might have an ulcer).  I was able to tell him how appreciative I was for him really pushing to have multiple tests done at a time that it felt like it was taking FOREVER to get me a diagnosis of what my problem was.   In our conversation he said that I no longer needed to take two of the medications that I had been taking since March to help my digestion, I was happy to flush the rest of those medications down the toilet!!  On Thursday afternoon I had the Pulmonary Function (lung) Test that I had been waiting on.   Last time my lung function was just 48% and it led to my oncologist stopping one of my chemo drugs that tends to be hard on the lungs.  I felt so much stronger doing this test (my third time doing it) and my lung function was up to 72% on the test this week, a BIG improvement!   I know many of you had been praying for a good result, thank you, and I know those prayers have made a difference!!

With the lung test on my schedule for this week the whole subject of "breath" had been on my mind and in my prayers.    In reference to the scriptures quoted at the top of this blog I know that all breath is a gift from God.  Truly we breathe out and we breathe Him in every time.   There are so many things that I have begun to see differently throughout this year, I thank God every meal time for the ability to eat, never used to pray that way before!    I have been praying that God would heal my lungs over the past couple of weeks and have considered more than usual how breath is so vital to life and how easily we take it for granted!   One of my favorite songs is "Great Are You Lord."  There is a line in the song that says "it's Your breath in my lungs, and I pour our my praise, I pour out my praise."  It always makes me think of a dear friend and church member by the name of Jim that we lost on earth back in January.   He had lung cancer years ago and had lost part of one lung, and whenever we sang that song at church I would look at Jim as I knew he well understood how important our moment by moment breath was.   On the day that he passed into Heaven I was with him and his family in the hospital, we played and sang "Great Are You Lord" together and it wasn't long afterwards that he very peacefully took his last breath on earth and his first breath in Heaven.  I have thought about Jim these last couple of weeks a lot as I prayed for my own breath to increase.  I know he is breathing just fine the perfect air of Heaven, and I have learned much more how to appreciate the breath that God gives.

My encouragement to you as you walk through your day is to remind yourself to appreciate the easy to ignore vital miracles that God provides you every day, ability to eat, to breath, to move.  The Bible says "in Him we live and move and have our being" Acts 17:28.  It's often not until a basic function of our life is restricted or removed that we realize how true that is.  Literally every breath is a gift from God, our next one is not guaranteed but I am SO GRATEFUL for every breath that He gives, AND that my breathing is at 72% instead of 48%, every improvement is a celebration!

I value your prayers as I go into next week.  I will begin on Monday 5 days of chemotherapy, this will be my third week and as I understand the impact of chemo tends to be cumulative so I am expecting this week to be a tough one.  I'm praying that I don't have much (or perhaps any) chemo after this week though but as much as I don't enjoy the experience I DO want this cancer gone for good, so whatever I have to do to finish it off, that's what I will do!

Thanks so much for taking time to read today's blog. I pray that you are blessed by it.  If so, please comment and share.   I'm so glad that this blog is reaching so many here locally and around the world!   Hopefully writing this blog will lead to writing books which will lead to who knows what next!   One thing I have learned is that I am just on the journey but the destination is up to Him!  

And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your blood, I said to you in your blood, "Live!" Yes, I said to you in your blood "Live!"  Ezekiel 16:6

After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could number, of all nations, tribes, peoples, and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, saying "Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!"  Revelation 7:9-10

This has been a week of highs and lows.   After finishing 5 days of chemo the week before I was completely exhausted over the weekend.  Was practically glued to my recliner Saturday and Sunday totally devoid of energy.  I went to the cancer center on Monday and got some much needed fluids and picked up pretty quickly.  In fact, Tuesday and Wednesday I felt pretty close to normal and was able to work regular days those days.   I was eating closer and closer to regular foods and getting over 2,000 calories a day.   So... when I went on Thursday for routine bloodwork I expected them to tell me everything was fine and they'd see me next week.   I was completely shocked when they instead told me that some of my blood levels were critically low and I needed an immediate blood transfusion.   What??? My first thought was can I have a couple of days to think about this??   But, I went willingly like a good boy (feeling a bit like a lamb led to the slaughter) to the infusion center and what I thought was going to be a brief visit turned into an all day affair as they began to prepare me for what I was to experience next.

They explained that they were first going to determine my blood type and then I would be receiving someone else's blood for two hours.   They had me sign some paperwork saying I understood that within the first 15 minutes there was a chance that I would have a fever and chills but they didn't expect that, and besides that everything was fairly routine.   Routine for them I thought, for me it was quite unnerving!  After an hour of determining my blood type (which is A positive by the way) they brought out this bag of blood, hooked it up to the IV and I began to watch it moving very slowly through the clear plastic tube which was hooked up to my port to pump this foreign blood into my heart.   I have to admit that the closer that blood crept along the tube the more worried I became.   I began to pray audibly but quietly under my mask that God would take care of making sure that this blood didn't react with my blood and that I would be ok!   It felt a little like watching impending doom get closer and closer to my chest.   And... suddenly it was there, the blood was flowing into my blood and I just waited to see what would happen next.   Thankfully I had no reaction whatsoever and everything proceeded normally.  Two hours later I was ready to go home as if nothing had happened.   I was greatly relieved and have definitely felt the strength of that blood over the last couple of days feeling even more close to normal.   Normal enough that I believe I'm going to get that Pal's cheeseburger this weekend (there will be a video available for that)!!

Over the past couple of days I have pondered this experience, which truly was epic for me.   And it dawned on me that they didn't check any criteria about the blood they gave me other than it was a matching blood type.  They didn't ask me if I wanted male or female blood, white, black, asian, or hispanic they just gave me A positive blood.   According to the American Red Cross 24% of African American's, 29% of Latin Americans, 27% of Asian, and 33% of Caucasian have A positive blood.  So... there is a strong possibility that I now have multi racial blood and a 50/50 chance I have female blood to boot!!   I actually felt quite excited by that possibility and thought that really is how the world should be.   We find ourselves as divided as ever by race and gender but the problem is we are only looking on the outside.   The blood inside us is the same. I have sought to teach myself to look beyond skin color over the last 20+ years of my life and sought to identify someone by something other than their skin color (the one with the red hat, or the singer, or the short fella) to train my eyes to not see color.   To delve ever so slightly into the Critical Race Theory/Social Justice debate, at that moment when I was sitting in the chair at the infusion center, I in no way felt privileged about the blood I already had in my body and did not care what race or gender this new blood came to me from, I only cared that it would not interact badly with my blood.  Rather than standing on our soap boxes either yelling at each other or repeatedly repenting for our own social situation we need to deal with any hatred in our own hearts once and for all by bringing it to the cross of Jesus and laying it down and realize that we all bleed the same and that there is ONE blood, the blood of Jesus that can unite us all much more than any social justice platform ever could!   The scripture referenced at the top of this blog is such a beautiful description of Heaven when all "nations, tribes, peoples, and tongues" stand before the throne TOGETHER declaring how great God is.   If that is what Heaven is like, our job is to bring some of Heaven to earth.   Perhaps part of what can make that happen is for us to look deeper than skin color and gender realizing that the blood of Jesus is universal and as long as your blood type matches mine we can literally share what the Bible declares is life, "for the life is in the blood" Leviticus 17:11.    We are so much more alike than we are different.  We should say to each other as Ezekiel 16 declares "I say to you in your blood. live!"   For we really do need each other and we are lot more the same than we will ever be different.   The blood tells us that.

Well... I think I've preached through this blog long enough. I just felt excited by the lesson I learned from this week's experience and pray that you feel the same.   I am grateful that I am feeling stronger, preparing to eat that Pal's burger, and looking forward to putting this chapter in my journey into my past.  I'm not quite there yet.  No chemo this week but I have at least another full week the last week of May, and possibly more after that.  I'm not looking forward to that, please pray for God's strength through that week.  Next week I have another pulmonary test to see if my lung function has improved, please pray for that as well.    In the meantime I will continue to press on and through knowing that God is with me and for me in all the highs and the lows and whatever I face I will never face it alone.

I pray that this week's blog has blessed you and if so please comment, share, and pass it on.  I'm grateful for this opportunity to share with those who care about me both how I am doing and what lessons I am learning along this journey.  God bless you all.

"I called on the Lord in my distress; the Lord answered me and set me in a broad place.  The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.  What can man do to me?   The Lord is for me among those who help me;" Psalm 118:5-7

Before I get into the details of how my treatment went this week I want to share something that happened a couple of days ago.   The cancer center where I'm being treated has a minister come and pray with the staff every Thursday morning.  They gather in a "huddle" in the middle of the area where we are all being treated.     Our church worship leader, Sonya Eller, works there and we had asked if we could sing a song the next time I was there on Thursday morning (which happened to be this week).  The minister and staff were happy for us to do so and we picked to sing the song by Chris Tomlin "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone."  If you're not familiar with the song it is a revised tune of the original hymn using the traditional verses with a new chorus.   It went well, we managed to find the right key and harmony while singing acapella and I was glad to discover that my singing voice has improved as the chemo is doing it's work to shrink the lymph nodes that were affecting my voice.   Several people thanked us for singing and we talked about doing it again the next time I'm there on a Thursday.     It was later that evening that the irony of the lyrics to the song we had sung occurred to me.     There we were singing a song that said "my chains are gone" surrounded by cancer patients who were hooked up by plastic tubes to medicine being pumped into their veins in an attempt to save their life from tumors that were trying to suck the life out of them!   As the irony of the song we had sung continued to hit me I began to consider how much of our life is a series of freedom that we have found and freedom that we are still waiting for.  Ultimately through Christ we have victory over all things but there are some things that are past tense victories, some present and some future.   I can truly say that many of my chains from the past are gone:  anger, hurt, unforgiveness, discouragement, insecurities, and many other things I have been set free from.  But... there are new chains that I am needing to find freedom from.   That is true for all of our lives.   The important thing is to not forget to celebrate the freedom of the past chains being broken even as we face new ones in our lives.  

I heard a great sermon on Psalm 118 a few days ago and was reminded that "our celebration should not be dependent on our circumstance".    Psalm 118 is a mix of crying out for help while praising God for who He is and what He had already done.    Chains that were gone and chains that were still being dealt with.    This week things took an unexpected direction after I met with my oncologist on Monday.    He was concerned about my lung function being down below 50% and did not want to do the intended chemo drug on Monday as it can be hard on my lungs.   He asked me if I felt up to beginning a week of chemo right then, I said I was, and what I was expecting to be a one day treatment this week turned into five, and so I was at the cancer center every day for 6+ hours a day this week after being there every day last week getting bloodwork done also.    I did receive good news on my bloodwork, my results yesterday were much improved from last week, the doctor was talking Monday about the possible need for a transfusion but based on yesterday's results, no transfusion is needed this week at least!  I will have bloodwork done on Wednesday of next week, please pray that my levels continue to improve and also that my lung function gets better so that maybe I can get back on the one chemo they stopped this week.    As I write this blog I feel very fatigued from this week's treatment but I am glad to have had the reminder for my own self that I have been set free from so many chains due to His "amazing grace" and I am completely confident that the current chains will be dealt with as well.    In the meantime I want to continue to find a purpose in the path that I am on.  I have often said to people who are in hospital, "who is it that you are supposed to show the love of God to while you are here that you wouldn't normally see?"   I want to do the same.   I pray that the simple song we sang on Thursday may have done that but I want to continue to look for ways to touch others lives while I go through this very unexpected journey in my life.    I have been set free from so many chains but so many are still bound and through letting God speak through us we can help bring freedom even while we are still waiting for some of our freedom to be complete.

I want to thank you for taking time to read this blog and I hope that it has been a blessing to you. If so, please comment and share it.    I have in my mind the beginnings of a book that would incorporate these blog entries into a year long story that began back in March of 2020.  More to come on that in time.   In the meantime I hope you have a blessed day and remember to celebrate the chains that you have been set free from even as you pray for new freedom in other areas of your life.   God bless.

"As for the man whose hair has fallen from his head, he is bald, but he is clean.   He whose hair has fallen from his forehead, he is bald on the forehead, but he is clean" Leviticus 13:40-41

In comparison to last week this week was a good week.    I did have to go for bloodwork every day (30 minute drive each way) because my white blood count was low.  On Tuesday they gave me a shot to boost my white blood count which seemed to help a lot as my blood count was better on Wednesday and better still on Thursday.    On Friday (yesterday) I got my port placed.  That was a bigger deal than I expected.  I was at the hospital for about 4 hours and was fully sedated for the procedure.  But... all seemed to go well.   I'm a little sore and stiff when I move my left arm but I think that is to be expected.   Having the port will help tremendously as my arms are pretty bruised up from having to get stuck day after day for bloodwork and for chemo.

I am REALLY enjoying eating solid foods again.   Can't tell you how wonderful it is to actually chew food after 6 weeks of liquid only (amounted to a 40 day liquid fast).   I am up to 2,000 calories a day which is enough to maintain my weight, I have actually gained 2 pounds this week!   This morning I had 2 eggs, 2 biscuits, gravy, and one slice of bacon.  Had some jam on half a biscuit.  Total of 642 calories, not long ago I was struggling to get that in a day!    My Nanna used to say "food is such a comfort" and I am finding that to be true!   I still haven't gotten to eat Pizza Hut Pizza or a Pal's cheeseburger (Cherish is regulating what I eat very closely) but I'm getting close (maybe this week)!!

This week I am back on schedule with chemo.  On Monday I have the same chemo that I had that ended me up going to the emergency room with a fever that day and led to the delay in my treatment.   My doctor doesn't think that was a reaction to the chemo but had more to do with the pneumomia that I was diagnosed with.   Please pray that I don't have any kind of reaction (like that at least) on this coming Monday.   If all goes well I will begin another 5 days of chemo starting the week of May 10th.   Once I get through that I'll be half way through my treatment!

The big event this week was the shaving of my head.   I discovered on Monday evening that when I barely tugged on the hair on my head it came out in clumps.  So... rather than shed all over the place I talked Cherish into shaving it (there is a video available if you didn't get to see it and want to, just let me know).    It was a family affair as all my girls were there to witness and Evie took the video.  

Following the hair being shaved I began to be troubled in a somewhat illogical way.   I began to think about Samson and how he lost his strength when his hair was cut, as he broke the last part of his Nazarite Vow (he'd already broken the other two parts - not to touch a dead body or to drink strong drink).   I began to be concerned that if what I had done was Biblical!   Silly I know but as much as I have preached the grace of God I think all of us have a part of us somewhere that thinks that if we do something slightly out of place that we lose God's blessing on our lives.   I began to search the scriptures about "hair" even digging out my 20 pound Strong's concordance.    There are many verses that say NOT to shave your head!   I found one verse in Acts 18:18 where Paul shaved his head because "he had taken a vow".  That linked me to Numbers 6 where those who had fulfilled a temporary Nazarite vow (Samson's vow was permanent) would shave their head and take it to the temple as an offering.  Well.... I knew that I had not made a Nazarite vow and I certainly hadn't gathered up my hair and taken it to the church, so it weighed on me that maybe I had done something wrong!!   Again, I knew this was silly and that I was not cursed because of this but I want so much to please God in all that I do that it bothered me.   Until I came across the verse printed at the top of this blog in Leviticus 13.  This is a chapter all about leprosy but in the middle it says "he whose hair has fallen from his head, he is bald but he is clean."  This verse strangely brought me consolation.   It's really saying because your hair is falling out doesn't mean you have leprosy, but I took it as because my hair fell out on it's own I had done nothing wrong!    After that relief I then heard the voice of God speaking to my heart.   He chastised me for being concerned about it to begin with.   He reminded me that our relationship with Him is not about what we wear or don't wear, how our hair is fixed or even if we have any, "for the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (I Sam. 16:7).  This verse was spoken about David who was overlooked by his own father, probably wasn't because he shaved his head, but regardless God saw much deeper than even David's own father did.   This small "issue" I had this week was an important reminder to me to keep from falling back into legalistic thinking and continue to love God with all my heart, soul, and strength that is what matters to Him.  He could care less whether I have hair or not, what color it is, and what style as long as my heart is after him.  

So... my encouragement to you is the same.  Quit worrying about whether or not some small action on your part has offended God and instead make sure your heart is right with Him.   If so, you have nothing to worry about.  Thank God for his grace.  Sometimes others may not understand or agree with the way you look but it doesn't matter as long as your heart is right with God.   What He sees in your heart is way more important than what others see on your head!

I pray that this blog has blessed you.  Please feel free to share and comment.   This is my "preaching platform" at the moment and I'm pleased that I can at least share my heart this way.  Thank you for reading and I pray you are blessed this week!

"Then as he lay and slept under a broom tree, suddenly an angel touched him, and said to him, "Arise and eat."  Then he looked and there by his head was a cake baked on coals, and a jar of water.  So he ate and drank, and lay down again.   And the angel of the Lord came back the second time, and touched him, and said, "arise and eat because the journey is too great for you" I Kings 15:5-7

I have had lots of different thoughts as to what to write my blog about this week as it has been an interesting one of downs and ups.    I remain positive about my journey but I think it is good to share the frustration and disappointment as well.   I began the week watching our church service from home... again.  Wanting so much to be with my congregation but really not sure what my body was doing and what I could handle.  Turned out I was right to do so because after my chemo treatment on Monday I fell into chills and a fever of 102.   My oncologist wanted me to get checked out to the hospital, so down I went not expecting a 4 hour wait followed by another 4 hours of examination.  Resulting diagnosis was that I had a mild case of pneumonia, with an antibiotic required for 10 days.   The affect from that is that my port (which was scheduled to be placed on Tuesday) was delayed for 10 days and so is my next chemo treatment.  So one fever, caused an 8 hour stint in the emergency room and a 1 1/2 week delay to my treatment.    Monday was a bad day.    I think it finally sank in that day that this is not going to be short journey and knowing what to expect is very much day by day.   Matthew 6:34 says "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about it's own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble". I have found this to be very true this week.   I felt a little lost on Monday and discouraged realizing that what I thought was another 8 weeks of treatment had just turned into another 9 and if I were to get a temperature again it could be delayed further!   The verse quoted at the top of this blog came to mind when the Angel visited Elijah and fed him, telling him that "the journey was too great" for him.     I felt that on Monday.   As I said on a previous blog I am a scheduler and a planner, so living day by day is very hard for me although according to Jesus that is the best way to live!   This is a long journey and I am just now learning to surrender to the day by day and still trust God that He will sustain me.  The thing that many don't realize is that this journey didn't start a couple of weeks ago.  It started back in early January when I began to have stomach trouble and start losing weight (down about 45 pounds to this point).  The journey has already been long and it will be longer still.  However, I know this journey is going to change me forever and I want it to be for the good, so if I must learn to "be still and know that He is God" Ps. 46:10 then with God's strength I will do so.

I have also been reminded this week that this did not catch God by surprise.    When I said yes to His call to pastor Calvary Church I felt Him clearly say to commit to at least 10 years.  Well... this past weekend we celebrated my 10 year anniversary.  I am not moving on from the church but for the time being I am absent and others are doing the ministry, that was completely unexpected.    Also, at the beginning of this year I shared a vision for our church called "resurrecting Resurrection Day" praying among other things that we would have a great Easter Sunday (which we did).  I said then that I couldn't see beyond Easter Sunday for God's direction for the church.   I had no idea that Easter Sunday was the last Sunday I would be present for a few weeks while someone else did the pulpit ministry!   God knew what was coming.   I didn't and don't.    The journey is too great for me, but I knowing that He knows what is coming gives me hope that He has the sustenance I need.

My week did get better after Monday.   Tuesday I felt stronger, my temperature returned to normal and stayed there, and the next day stronger still.   I am finally back eating solid food.   Tuesday I got about 1,200 calories, Wednesday 1,600, and as of the time of this writing I am on track to hit close to 2,000 calories in a day!   That is a HUGE deal and more steps closer to eating Pal's cheeseburgers and Pizza Hut Pizza!   God knew, like the angel with Elijah that I needed "food for the journey" and He has provided it.  For which I am SO grateful.   However, I know that this long journey is going to be marked by good days and bad days and it's impossible to predict ahead of time which day will be which.  So.... I am learning to trust in Him to strengthen me through the tough, disappointing days and celebrate the good days.  Take a day at a time knowing that the journey is long but His strength is sufficient.   I pray in your good and bad days that the Holy Spirit will teach you to do the same and find His "food" to give you what you need to continue on.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. It means so much!  It's my one way to update you as well as share something from God's Word every week.   Please feel free to share this with anyone with the hope that it will bless and encourage them.   God bless.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" Romans 12:15  *  "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" Galatians 6:2

So... I have completed my first full 5 day week of Chemotherapy!   It has definitely been a new path, one that was unpredictable from day to day.   I am a planner and a scheduler so it's not easy for me to take a "day at a time" but I am beginning to learn.   I am grateful for the loving care of the doctors and nurses at the Bristol Cancer Center and for the smiling face of Sonya Eller (who is our worship leader and works at the cancer center) visiting me each day.     The week was not without it's pains:  having to get poked every day with an IV for my chemo, dealing with acid reflux that took my sleep away a few nights, retaining fluid in my legs and feet, and just the mental & emotional hurdles of trying to figure out what is going on with my body.    At the end of the week I can say not only have I survived but I do feel improvement.  Gratefully nausea has not been an issue and a new medication seems to have gotten the acid reflux under control (slept the best night of the week last night).   This morning for the first time in a few weeks I ate a half a biscuit with some scrambled eggs.  So far, so good.   Not pizza or a cheeseburger, but it's solid food and that for me is a celebration!

This next week is going to be different.  I have one brief chemo treatment on Monday morning and no more for the week.   Tuesday I will surgically have a port for chemo put in my upper chest (that will remove the need for chemo to be given through IV).   Besides that I will be waiting to see the effects of the chemo on my body throughout the week (and waiting to see if my hair is going to fall out) AND waiting to see when I can eat what I want to eat!!  Next week will be a one day treatment on the Monday also and then I begin the next full week of chemo the first week of May and begin the cycle again.  There are 3 cycles altogether.   So... I'll actually be a third of the way through by 2 weeks from now.

I have been contemplating what I have learned this week and the word "empathy" has been coming to mind.  Sympathy and Empathy are different.   Sympathy means "feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune."   Empathy, on the other hand is "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another."   I have always felt and sought to be compassionate towards others pain but I believe I am learning through this experience that there is another level that allows us to really begin to feel what people feel.  I have felt that from others.   People all across the globe that have reached out to me to tell me they love me and are praying for me.  Several have shared their own struggles with sickness or pain showing that not only can they relate to what I am dealing with but they understand.   Some of those I have heard from have really surprised me, people that I have worked with, even filed cancer claims for in the past are now reaching out to encourage me.   It has meant so much.   I already see how my struggle is changing how I see the struggle of others, I can see that empathy is being developed in me.  I have learned already some things that will help me in the future when reaching out to others in pain:   Regular check ins by text, email, or messenger are greatly appreciated, but long phone calls/visits not so much.   The wonderful thing about text/emails/messages is you don't have to respond right away when you're tired or not feeling well but they encourage you just the same and you are able to read them again and they bless all over again.  I'm sure there is much more that I will learn through this that will help me to show more empathy to others in the future but in the meantime I am so grateful for those that have shown such love to me!    God has called us to feel what others feel (rejoice & weep) and to "bear one another's burdens" and that is at least in part what I am experiencing through the empathy of others.

We must never forget, however, that no matter what pain we have walked through we will never completely understand what someone else feels as we have not felt the exact same pain. There is One that has done that, His name is Jesus.  Isaiah 53:4-5 says "surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.  But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed."   During this time I have not felt God distant from me.  I have felt Him very close.  As much as I have been strengthened by the genuine love and care of others, it is His love that has held me the closest.  My current favorite song is by Ce Ce Winans "I Have A Savior."   I have listened to that song probably 50 times over the last few weeks, there is one line in the song that brings me to tears almost every time "all I ever need is Jesus."   I'm being reminded through all that I am walking through that there are many things of value in this life but none more valuable than knowing you are loved by a Savior who TRULY empathizes with what I am walking through and is there to give me strength physically, emotionally, and spiritually.    How people walk through personal tragedy without knowing the love of Christ I don't know, but I am SO GRATEFUL I don't have to.  

So... my prayer for me and for all is that if/when we walk through suffering that it brings us closer to the One who understands us the best and causes us to be more understanding (empathetic) of others so that learning from the Great Burden Bearer we can learn better to "bear each others's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" Gal. 6:2

Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth.  And his disciples asked Him, saying, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents , that he was born blind?"   Jesus answered, "neither this man nor his parents sinned, but the works of God should be revealed in Him." John 1:1-3

Yesterday began a really important chapter in my ongoing health saga.   With the beginning of chemotherapy I moved from 2 months of discovery (trying to find out what was wrong with me) to recovery, (as I finally begin the process of dealing with this cancer).   If all goes well the treatment will go about 2 months total, so if that's the case I'm at the half way point!   Yesterday everything went smooth.  No nausea last night (praise God for that) I did have some acid reflux which made sleeping uncomfortable but that was the only side effect!  I also showed about a 5 pound weight gain (back over 160 again) I'm sure that was all the fluids they gave me yesterday but I'll take it!   There are some breaks in between but I am currently scheduled for 21 days of chemo, so after today I'll be 2 days down and 19 to go.   By this coming Monday I'll be 1/3 of the way through!   I asked the nurse today how soon I should shave my head, she said when the hair starts coming out, she said that could be this week, if not next.   So prepare to see a shiny noggin next time you see me!   The doctor did tell me yesterday that I should be able to start eating solid foods next week!  Not sure i'll be able to eat cheesburgers and pizza yet (we're checking with the nutritionist on that) but I am starting to see them in my near future!

I have thought a lot about the question that we are often told not to ask God is "why?"  That is the question posed by the disciples in John 9 about the blind man born blind.  Sometimes "why" is an appropriate question to ask, "why did I have a wreck?" "Because you were driving too fast on a wet road".  Asking why in those situations where there is a clear cause and effect can be helpful to avoid the same thing happening again.   But... when random sickness, out of the blue devastating accidents, sudden loss of a family member, the "why" question can be very problematic.  We often know the answer to that better in retrospect than we do walking through it.   I have absolutely NO idea why at 47 years old I have been diagnosed and am having treatment for a type of cancer much more common for men in their 20's.  The 3 oncology doctors I have talked to don't know why, and even if there was a "why" chances are there would be nothing I could have done to prevent it.    I certainly don't want to go down the road of the disciples in John 9 and start looking for someone to accuse and I'm not looking to heap guilt on myself either.   I believe the best answer in these situations is the answer that Jesus gave, "that the works of God may be revealed" in me.   If you read on through the chapter you'll see that Jesus healed him of his blindness but he became such a vocal supporter of Jesus that the religious leaders rejected him.   So sad, but he was happy because he had received his sight!!

I do believe with all my heart that through whatever suffering we face in this life God is good & is working all things for our good, He is with us in the boat while the storm rages, & one way or another we have resurrection in our future.   In the meantime rather than asking "why this has happened" I believe a better question is "how can God reveal His works through me in this"?   I have, and will come in contact with more people I don't already know, how can God touch them through me?   I can share my journey and hopefully encourage those I love to trust Him in their storms, I can celebrate the good days and trust Him in the hard ones, allowing Him to give me strength when I am weak.    I don't have any of this figured out and I don't want you to think that I do, but I just know God wants to use our mountains and our valleys for His glory.   I'm willing to be a tool in His hand for that.

I pray you have a great day today and if you are struggling with anything in your life ask God "how can God reveal His works in me?"  That may change your perspective and allow you to bring life and hope to someone else.

Thank you ALL for your love and prayers.  I need you!