Rollercoaster Journey

But now, thus says the Lord, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.  For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior... Since you were precious in My sight, You have been honored, And I have loved you;   Isaiah 43:1-4

My wife (Cherish) posted on Facebook this past Tuesday the above picture of me as I started my third round of chemo treatment.  Wearing my superman t-shirt I was feeling pretty good at the time.  She made the statement that "it feels like we were shoved on a roller coaster ride we didn't want to take... we have complete faith that God will bring us through this but the new perspective takes a little time to get use to."   When I read her post that day, I didn't realize how prophetic she was actually being.   See... the previous couple of weeks I had felt SO MUCH better.   Things were coming back to me.  I was back to eating anything I wanted, gaining weight, feeling more energized, I had been able to be at church two Sundays in a row and got to preach on Pentecost Sunday, I even mowed my own yard this past Saturday.  When I went to get bloodwork done this past Tuesday morning my white blood count was the best it had been in a month (a big improvement from the previous week) and my iron had much improved as well.   I'm grateful for that answer to prayer as I know many of you were praying for those two specific things.

Something else that was a really big deal happened in the past couple of weeks, I had discovered that I could sleep in my own bed again.  Due to various pains in my body making it uncomfortable to lie down and a struggle with reflux I had slept in the recliner in my basement den for more than four months.  What was so touching was the first night that I slept in the bed was the night before our 18th anniversary, we woke up on our anniversary morning, holding hands, it was such a precious moment.   I proceeded to sleep the next 2 weeks straight in my bed.  It felt heavenly.    I was really beginning to feel that we had this thing licked and that it was just a short time when it would all be over.  

I don't think I was ultimately wrong in my thinking as I am MUCH better off than I was even a month ago.  However, on Tuesday morning when I headed down to what my Mom calls "the torture chamber" to begin another week of chemo, I did not have the foresight my wife did as to the roller coaster ride this week was going to be. Tuesday I felt tired after treatment but not too bad.  On Wednesday night I came home, took a nap, and felt good again.  That evening Kevin & Pamela from our church came over and brought the famous Pizza Hut Pizza I had been wanting. It was another epic moment.  I ate three slices of stuffed crust pepperoni pizza and then some ice cream.   All was right with the world.   However, that night, I went to bed as usual but... at 3:00 in the morning I woke up tasting some reflux in my mouth and feeling slightly nauseous (I don't blame the pizza for that, I blame the chemo).  I suddenly found myself spending the rest of the night back in my recliner.  It's probably silly but that felt like a huge blow to me.   After sleeping two weeks in my bed, going back to the recliner felt like a massive step backwards to me.   All of a sudden I felt the exciting ride I had been on was changing.  It was discouraging.  

Thursday morning I got up early and was looking forward to getting to sing at the Thursday morning staff meeting at the cancer center, you may remember that last time Sonya and I sang "Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone."  This time we were planning to sing "Cornerstone" which uses the verses of the old hymn "On Christ The Solid Rock I Stand" with a newly written chorus.   However when I got to the cancer center that morning I discovered that the staff meeting had been cancelled that day, so Sonya and I had to miss our opportunity to hopefully be a blessing to the staff and patients, which was also disappointing.  Depending on whether I have a 4th week of chemo or not, we may not have the chance to sing at that staff meeting again.

When I got home Thursday evening I felt pretty bloated from the chemo and already sensed it was going to be a full night in the recliner that night.   My precious wife slept on the couch near to me all night, she obviously felt my discouragement, she has been AMAZING and has been on this journey every step of the way with me, I am SO grateful for her.  As I type this it is late on Friday evening, I am sitting in that same recliner, preparing for another night not laying next to my wife, not in my own bed.   I definitely don't feel as close to having this thing licked as I did just 4 days ago... and because this week was a short week due to Monday being a holiday I have to go in for one more day of chemo this coming Monday.   I have by no means lost hope, and my confidence is still in the goodness and mercy of God, but I just don't feel the same "pep in my step" that I did a few days ago.   It simply has not been a fun week, which in retrospect I should have been prepared for more than I was. Instead of things coming back to me, this week I feel like I've lost just a little (although I am confident they will be regained).  I'm just on a different part of this roller coaster ride than I was a week ago.

Earlier tonight, in the midst of all this going on in my mind, we watched a family movie together.  After it was over, my 5 year old (Esther) gave me a note that she hadn't written (because she can't write yet) but Cherish had written down word for word, here is an excerpt from it: "this is all my family, I love you because you watch a show with us, I hope daddy feels better... kisses, kisses, hug, hug... I hope we can go to the beach soon.... I hope daddy goes to the pool some days, I hope we don't watch scary movies, I hope we don't eat candy that isn't good for our body".   The love and simplicity of her note so touched my heart as she watched me read it and then gave me a big hug.   There's a reason why the Bible said for us to come to Christ we must come as a little child.   Little Esther obviously senses that all is not ok with her daddy but in her simple way she is confident that it will be and that trips to the beach, the pool, more (not scary) movies are still to come, and somewhere there is some healthy candy out there.    The roller coaster is not as discouraging for her.

As I began this week thinking about what I was going to say, this was definitely not the blog entry I was originally intending to write.  But I have discovered that sharing the disappointment and frustration is just as important as sharing the faith and hope, for they are really intertwined into the journey.  I have called this journey "unexpected" and "long" but it truly is also a "roller coaster" and just as I know your life has it's ups and downs too, we can learn from the moments we want to throw our arms in the air with excitement and the times we feel the need to grip tightly to our seat, close our eyes, grit our teeth and just hold on.  The scripture in Isaiah quoted at the beginning of this blog states "fear not... I will be with you" in the waters and in the fire, and "I have loved you."    I am being reminded once again in the middle of this crazy experience that God didn't promise us a smooth road, He really promised us more of a roller coaster, BUT He said He would be with us through it all because He loves us.    The chorus to the song I had hoped to sing at the cancer center this week says: "Christ alone, Cornerstone, Weak made strong, In the Savior's love, Through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all".  I am reminded again tonight that no matter how good I may feel one day and think that I can conquer the world (in my superman shirt), it's just as likely that the next day I'm going to find that I need His strength "to be made perfect in my weakness."   You would think that after 5 months of this journey I would be more prepared for that but perhaps feeling SO GOOD for the last couple of weeks set me up for a discouragement I didn't see coming, even though my wife apparently did.

So, what am I going to do?  I'm going to trust in the God that said He would be with me and admit my weakness so He can give me His strength.   And... I'm going to try to learn from my 5 year old daughter and ask Him to help me to be a little more childlike in my faith.  Over the next couple of days as the chemo soaks into my body and I quite possibly have a few days of feeling rough, I know that I am safe in His hands, the best is yet to come, and with God's strength this cancer WILL be licked and it will eventually be in the rear view mirror of my life.   Regardless of what happens with my current struggle, I know the roller coaster journey of life doesn't go away, but neither does the One who tells me not to fear for He is with me.   And... I am thankful that nights spent in the recliner will be temporary and few.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this blog entry.  I pray that it has encouraged you in your roller coaster ride of life.   If so please comment and share it with others.   No matter what tomorrow brings, we do not need to face it alone, we can "fear not" for He is with us.  God bless.